Seeking out the Inner Voice

The mood of this post can at best be described as confused, excited, elated and humbled.....try finding something in the dictionary to encompass all THAT ! I suppose my immediate duty would be to explain the reason behind this milieu of mixed emotions. The results of most of my exams have been declared, and my feelings to each are mixed. First, the IIT-JEE failure can scarcely be considered a disappointment, as I had long before foretold what seemed like an inevitable outcome! The Board results, 89.8%, had me truly elated....not because the mark is revered by those around me, for it scarcely appears as a blip on the toppers' radars, but because I had never given a second thought to these marks. To score highly in an exam in which I never intended to break records, is immensely satisfying.

And now, to move on to the business end. The Kerala entrance results were a mixed bag. A rank of 735 is good, but nowhere close to where I should have been, which is within the top 350 at least. The Maths exam had left me with a bad taste in the mouth, which is why my rank suffered, and the results, to some extent, even exceeded my reduced expectations! Yesterday's disclosure of the AIEEE results came as a surprise indeed, and has certainly brought a faint smile to my lips. An AIR of 18715 with state quota rank of 630 is by no means a low rank, and with a little luck, could book me a ticket out of Kerala to a respectable NIT(WARNING : My beliefs are based purely on hearsay) !

What these results do leave me with is a puzzling conundrum? From the Kerala picture, my hopes of getting a Comp. Sc. seat in CET are dashed, miracles notwithstanding, but a seat in Mech. is guaranteed. A Comp Sc. seat is guaranteed in a number of other reputable colleges in the state....which brings to my mind the question of college vs course.......Though a Mech. seat in CET would be worth its weight in placements, I see little chance of doing an M.Tech in the same field, which would narrow my options to an MBA. With regard to Comp. Sc., my options appear limitless with higher studies,MBA or any other post-grad course(even Journo) within my reach.

The easiest solution to this conundrum may have walked through my doorstep all of a sudden. A seat in Comp Sc. in a respectable NIT could perhaps be the cure to every ailment plaguing my mind at the moment. But the fact remains....I have yet to decide who wins the battle of CS vs Mech......and it seems to be going down to the wire! Mech. is a subject I could love, for the Physics it entails is the same which I've always borne a great liking to...Thermodynamics, Motion, Rotation, Gravitation...........yet programming has its own appeal, and the challenge of testing one's logic to create efficient programs to solve basic needs seems to be one I would indeed relish!

What excites me about this confusion is the privilege of bearing this headache. Rather than bellyache about the opportunities I might have missed, I see only the opportunities that have been so graciously thrown my way without, in my mind, truly deserving them. It is a humbling feeling, and a thrilling one at the same time. The glass seems a good half-full in my eyes, and the future, though uncertain, could yet bear fruit! All that is left is to listen to that learned inner voice that has guided me through these years and guided my every decision!

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: You anoint my head with oil; my cup flows over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

---Extract from the psalm "The Lord Is My Shepherd"