Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Last Chance Saloon


Kerala is done and dusted, but it's shaken up my exam plans significantly. After a fairly solid performance in Physics and Chemistry, I performed reprehensibly in the Maths paper. I was dumbstruck by the manner in which I'd attempted the paper, rather than the complexity of the questions. After glancing through the 1st 30 qns, I noticed that only 30 mins had yet passed. Satisfied, I continued on, not realizing that I'd grown more lathargic over time and by the time I'd reached Qn. 60, I had all but 1 hour left. Panic mode set in, which hasn't happened to me in any of the prior mock exams I've attended, and my sanity left me! In what ought to have been a relaxed, but determined salvage mission, I misfired, miscalculated, and overthought, and ultimately, brought about my own downfall.

I left the hall in disbelief, not just because I'd attempted only 55 qns while in previous exams I'd never shrunk below 70, but also because, at no instant during that exam did I feel the questions were above my level. If anything, I really could not account for HOW I'd spent those 2.5 hrs, or where I'd eaten up valuable time. I was left with a mixture of emotions(shock and disappointment) , none of which were positive.

Now looking back, I have to leave the past behind. If anything, it has only simplified my equation : AIEEE or bust! This is last chance saloon, and though BITSAT is left in May, along with CUSAT in June, there is only so far I can attempt to push my luck, hoping to be bailed out by divine intervention. The clock ticks on without remorse...............

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Seeking My Quantum of Solace??


Kindly forgive the generous help I had in the title of this post from 007's new yet-to-be-released adventure, but its aptness was unmatchable. Another day, and another exam has passed by....if I sound depressed or stuck firmly in the doldrums, you'll be pleasantly surprised. None of the exams I've given so far have disappointed me(well, not until the results arrive at least!). My confidence is irrelevant, for it is overshadowed by a steely resolve, to graft out a result, which I pray and believe I am capable of. "Do and Die", is the closest phrase which could summarize my...but something else lingers at the back of my mind. Perhaps it is the realization that the past 2 years of my academic life will come to an all-too-abrupt end ( excluding BITSAT and CUSAT) within a week. Beyond the horizon, the picture remains, at best, hazy. Though the course I adopt is dependent on the results that I finally manage in these 6 exams, my purview reaches far beyond just the immediate future.

There is yet, a lack of direction in my life. I've found a loving family, loyal friends, and like those around me, hope to someday earn my livelihood through a respectable occupation which I thoroughly enjoy. Yet something remains amiss. These feelings are hard to comprehend, and even harder, in my eyes, to explain to anyone outside my doubt-riddled mind! That definitive sense of purpose, the single-minded resolve to reach a destination where you feel you could do yourself justice, and honour the name of the Saviour On High, is missing. There are goals that define our existence: wealth, security, family....yet these amount to little for lives devoid of meaning, to ourselves and to others. Life is hardly about accomplishments, but more than that, it is a journey of self-discovery : A bid to learn one's true calling, and to use our own unique gifts to the purpose He intended. I, as yet, struggle to see that roadmap charted out for me since my birth.

There is only so much that remains certain...the courses I shall prefer, the institutes I would dream of joining, but beyond that, my mind draws a blank. The remedy : God Alone Knows! As for now, I'd love nothing more than to relax after the 27th. A weekend, devoid of telephones, mobile phones, computers, TVs, or anything close to my regular life! A time to reflect on what I've done over these past 17 years, and what path I must follow, to be able to look back at my life without an ounce of regret! A moment of peace and quiet, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, and a cool breeze(as if that exists in Trivandrum) to pacify me! A week later, this may appear an utterly boring proposition, but for now, to dream of such an improbable get-away, brings me great joy and comfort! The promise of solitude seems a dream worth pursuing at times!

Monday, April 14, 2008

The Great Indian Thamasha

It's a never-ending saga, that, in all likelihood, will dominate newspaper articles for decades more. The battle for social upliftment is a long drawn, tedious, but rewarding process. But the ill-conceived and socially divisive quota policy continues to serve as a slap to the face of every visionary who contributed in the making of our Constitution. In the debate between social justice and merit, the very notion of "justice" has been blurred.

My first argument against the policy of reservations is its very origin. Was it not the British Raj that introduced this very policy, which, at the time, was seen as an attempt to divide the people among community lines, and destroy the incredible harmony that had characterized the growing movement for self-governance? Why then, in these times, where outlooks have become far more modern, when education has spread to far many corners, are the same policies viewed differently?

Reservations were introduced by our fledgeling polity with the aim of narrowing the existing divide in opportunities. To a large degree, our Constitution makers sought to change people's mindsets, rather than offer quick-fix solutions to social plagues that had remained rooted in our culture for centuries. The Indian political establishment consisted of visionaries and dreamers, with the dedication and will to back their dreams to the desired outcome. Education was never brought under the wing of reservations! WHY?? Because the government realized their responsibility to spread education to different parts of the country....our literacy grew by leaps and bounds within the first 10 years of independence, because the administration prioritized education. Fast forward another 50 years, and the public education system has grown stagnant. To what extent, then, will reservation serve any benefit to the rural backward? The greatest section of the social and economically backward live in regions of our nation where schools are as scarce as clean drinking water, and the few which do exist within a 10-mile radius, are badly understaffed.

Why can we not see through the facade which every government over the past two decades has attempted to hide behind? Reservations in the elite institutes, and soon in private institutes, are little more than shameless attempts to shirk responsibility, and to garner votes. It will do nothing to enhance inter-caste ties or inter-communal ties, but instead will magnify prejudices that are already prevalent. The boundaries which separate us on the map of India will be far outweighed by the social barriers that this system will create.

Hark back to the very root of the problem which we hope to affront through these measures....discrimination. Dalits, to this day, are ill-treated and humiliated across the nation. Will handing them education or jobs change the archaic beliefs of the upper caste in rural India? Why, then, is not enough done in this regard? We have Dalit parties at the centre and state levels, speaking broadly of "Changing the Social Order", and a Chief Minister in Uttar Pradesh whose rise to power follows on those very principles. The stigma of caste cannot be removed by mere reservations, but by spreading awareness and changing people's attitudes. Alas, this simple message seems to evade the thick skulls of leaders across party lines.

The Quota system does little to hurt my prospects, as I never did foster realistic dreams of joining an IIT, and nor did I work with any true dedication in that direction. But what hurts me is not the "merit" debate, but the fact that people still consider the creamy layer an "issue". I still fail to understand what right middle-class and well-to-do OBC's in urban centres have to demand an advantage over several under-privileged members of supposedly upper-class communities. It is a debate that more often than not, leaves a sour taste in the mouth which I find hard to scrub away! In modern India, "justice" truly is blind. The battle for social justice has been metamorphosed in the span of 60 years into little more than a ploy in a large political scheme of power retention. The Great Indian Thamasha indeed!

Is the drama over with the Supreme Court judgement?? Far from it in fact, for there will undoubtedly be more PIL's and angry protests from students for whom the already stiff competition has become even more unreasonable. There will be drama, possibly even violence, and above all, this is what dampens my spirits! The sorry truth, that at a time when Indians ought to be spreading their wings across the globe in a show of strength and might, we choose to consume ourselves in needless infighting, encouraged by a gleeful, sinister political framework laughing all the way to the vote bank to check their deposits!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

An Education In Itself

It is said that certain experiences in our lives leave a more lasting impression than others, if only for their uniqueness and individuality......rare moments seldom reproduced during our existence, moments of revelation, or exceptional clarity. Today was such a day. For the first time, arguably, in my entire life, I know why people dedicate years of their young lives in the hopes of clearing a SINGLE exam.....I've realized the worth of that effort! Granted, the realization may have come all too late, but not in my eyes at least. IIT-JEE 2008 is an exam I shall remember forever, not because of an exceptional performance( "below-par" in truth) or a session of genius on my part, but for something completely different. For the first time, I've understood the true meaning of "conceptual clarity"....the persistent dream of knowing your subject as well as the patterns of your palm lines. Though the exam, in certain respects, was a lot easier than in previous years, I feel a sense of satisfaction I have seldom felt anytime during my school life. I have finally faced a TRUE test of learning.....and it excites me, to be honest! There is an inescapable thrill that you feel when your intelligence is probed in such a manner, rather than your memory tested through random insignificant questions!

To speak of my performance, I attempted a whole lot more questions than I expected, but I fear a majority of them are negatives, which is why I prefer not to chance a guess at my overall score! Minimal knowledge and calculated guesswork may work wonders in lesser exams, but do little to enhance your score in this one! What I do know, is that regardless of the outcome, I have made no recognisable effort to warrant any such dream result! Yet, inspite of the end result, I feel happy and content. I know now that I cannot leave this exam without having a proper crack at it, which is why, in all likelihood, I shall retry next year.....Is it futile? If entry to an IIT is the criteria, then in all likelihood, it will be, but more than entry to such a reputed institute, I want to match my wits with these examiners once again......but this time, fully prepared, and armed with the fundamental clarity that I so obviously lacked during this attempt! The money that has been spurned on this occasion, is of little consequence, for there are experiences and adventures in this world that far outweigh their costs....and this, I feel, is among them! Adieu IIT, but the dream, for me, has just started, and I hope to work towards it for the next year, God Willing..........

P.S. : I realize that through this post, I invite labels of "geek", "nerd", "bookworm", and the like, which a majority of my friends know I'm not....but in hindsight, perhaps I ought to have been! There is no substitute for dedication and hard work, and the tags that accompany it should mean little to a true learner!