An Emotional Void Consumes Me !!

The road to the future is filled with the sharpest turns, the steepest inclines, and largest potholes imaginable! The greatest step in the direction towards my future is stepping away from a place that has become my second home! Leaving school is proving to be one of the most emotionally challenging tasks I've ever faced........the countdown keeps ringing in my head! Barely a couple of weeks to go before school closes its doors, and even though we'll face a number of relentless exams that will draw us back to the campus regularly over the next 2 months, the experience will never be the same!

No longer will I be able to spend 6 hrs a day pretending to listen to lectures, cracking jokes with trustworthy friends, talking about anything and everything that does/doesn't matter.....and having the freedom to be myself! Yes, the uniform is an irritant, and the rules are a pain....but where else do u find friends who accept you for who u truly are??...Where else can u live through every embarassment and laugh them off whole-heartedly, secretly wishing for another embarassing experience, if only in the hope that u'd bring a smile to ur friends' faces?? Where else can you talk freely without prejudice or preconceived notions??....Where else is the gender divide this obscure and invisible??....

Even the rumoured "affairs" which you hated your friends for inventing out of thin air, now appear treasured memories, for on reflecting, not only were these actually funny, but unique! Where else will people care enough to make up "love" rumours just to get under your skin and have a laugh(without any ill intentions!)?? I can't help but smile when my teachers now scold me...for each time, the same thought resurfaces--"Who else would scold me with such pure intentions at heart?"--not my future employer for sure!! At the moment, I feel an emptiness inside me, so deep, that it drains me of all joy. It feels as if something is missing, some integral part of my life seems to be fading away, something remains unaccomplished in my school life.......AND it is this emotion that I find hard to understand, and which troubles my soul so deeply! If anything, it reminds me of how precious these friendships are.....these bonds of trust and companionship which have been forged over so many years, irreplaceable and priceless! Now more than ever, I feel fortunate to have the friends I do, and this is merely an outlet for that very gratitude!

After all the brooding is done, what can I do, but wave the clouds of despair and depression away, and for the few precious days remaining, enjoy the company of the GREATEST FRIENDS I'll EVER Have! To my readers, I wish this post to serve as a reminder of the uniqueness of your lives! Random events and daily incidents stick to your memory, if you only have the patience to pause from your routines and observe quitely.....the sheer joy and euphoria of your school friendships...and how each action, however insignificant, communicates so much more!! It may not be my SCHOOL that I will miss, for it is FAR from PERFECT, but everything that it brought to my fledgeling life.......companionship, camaraderie, enlightenment and spiritual growth ! With this, I bid adieu until my next blog post!

Remnants of Past Blogs

I've chosen to delete my previous blog, and repost some of the posts i felt i could not discard.....Though it may be mundane, but all serious blogging activity is currently ceased....the blog will be decorated and modelled only after my academic compulsions have been met...To my former readers, I say Thank You if you've visited my new blog, and I hope that by May end next yr, I'll once again be back online in earnest to account for every encounter I face which stirs my imagination, or touches my heart and soul! I may blog on rare ocassions such as today, but no guarantees can be made on how regular/irregular these occasional outpourings may be! So with this, I thank my readers once again, and hope to re-unite with them in abt 6 months' time!

Writer's Block

Unfortunately, academic obligations seem to have taken control of my life! So I have regrettably had to reach a decision to stop blogging for a while......I promise to resume once this phase of my life passes, but for now at least, the WRITER'S BLOCK seems here to stay, and it would be incredibly foolish of me to promise my readers even 1 post a month! Once again, apologies for the lay-off, but hey, even the President of America took a 2 month long vacation in Hawaii after his first 6 months in office....so my claim to a year-long sabbatical seems justified! Report back in May 2008, from which point on, my blogging days under the sun will begin in earnest once again without fail! As for now, thanks for reading, and it's been a pleasure to have given my friends something to read! I hope you'll bookmark this page, for after a year or so, you might find it useful! But for now, it's Sayonara!

Distressing Beginnings

The holidays could not have ended on a worse note, and I find myself suffering from one of the greatest bouts of depression I've ever had! My grandfather's death and subsequent funeral has left me emotionally unstable, and the tuition classes which I missed as a result of my unplanned trip home has left me facing expulsion from my Chemistry tuition! Inspite of attempting to explain the cause of my absence, Christudas Sir seemed too irritated and peeved to listen, and I'm unsure if he properly understood what I attempted to convey! He's asked me to phone him on the 10th to learn his final decision on whether I can continue at his tuition next year! With a majority of tuition centres already bursting at the seams with the new year's admissions, my chances of enrolling at another centre at such short notice seem bleak. Thus, having to undergo self-preparation for Chemistry for the Entrance exams seems a scary, yet very real possibility!

Strangely enough, my anxiety is being compounded by the nightmares I seem to be having about the results I shall be greeted with when my report card arrives in May. When Misery comes, it comes in force! Parental pressure has already been heightened a few notches, and my results will definitely result in a further tightening of screws! My closest relationships are getting strained, and I feel I'm being swept away by the tides with no means to plant my feet firmly in the ground! Needless to say, the nerves are building! The only consolation I have so far, is the comforting news that I've been promoted to 12-B next year, and hence, haven't fallen victim to the erratic shuffling that's taken place! Thus, my academic future also seems uncertain at the moment. With mounting fears of the challenges of the year ahead and how prepared/unprepared I am to face them, I find myself in the WORST frame of mind heading into the new year!

I find myself in emotional and psychological chaos, and no number of cricket games, mindless rock or soulful songs, and messenger chats seem to be dissolving my fears! All I can do now is wait and watch, wait for this mental phase to pass by and for some semblance of normalcy to return to my life!

Paying My Last Respects

t's been a dark few days for my life. I've failed to sum up the courage to blog about it till now, but I find myself ready now that I've established some(not much) peace of mind! On Saturday morning, my parents woke me up at 7 am to deliver the sad news that my grandfather was no more! Aged 84, his health and strength had declined gradually over the years and had begun to found normal conversations difficult to undertake. He'd awoken late in the night, complaining of an unusual amount of tiredness, and once he went back to sleep, breathed his last! A peaceful death is the most that any of us could have hoped for, and my grandfather was lucky enough to be granted one.

Grabbing a few clothes and a few essentials, we left our house by 8 am, arriving in Pathanamthitta, my uncle's house and then driving to Kozhencherry, my ancestral home, where my grandparents lived along with a helper. My grandfather's now lifeless body was being preserved in glass under regulated temperature. Even in death, he almost appeared to smile; his face, a picture of tranquility! Throughout the day, prayers and hymns were sung as visitors came from everywhere, most of whom were complete strangers to me! Though at first, the emotions were a bit overwhelming, I managed to distract myself by reading a book, for I knew I had to exercise control before I said my final goodbye. My plan succeeded to some extent, but the following day, during the funeral, nothing could help. Watching as his body was removed from its glass prison and placed in the open casket, memories flooded back. I'd always known my grandfather to be a good man. Though I perhaps did not have the deepest relationship with him, I knew him enough to understand the sacrifices he'd made to educate all 3 of his children, having been merely a poor farmer and a 5th Std drop-out! He'd toiled and sweated to support his family, and that easily earned my respect and love! Though my bond with my grandfather wasn't the strongest, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss, the loss of one of the closest relationships I could ever form with another person! My father is on most occasions, an unemotional man, at times, ill-tempered and hard to reason with, but to see this man whom I respect and at times fear, break down and shed innumerable tears at the sight of his father's casket, was too moving a sight for me to maintain my composure(whatever little was left i.e.)! My grandmother was inconsolable, and the grief of the moment overwhelmed me. As the tears trickled down my face, I wished to run away, unwilling to bear any more heart-wrenching sights of my family, yet i knew that by duty, I was bound to stay, and stay I did. As I leaned forward and planted a final farewell kiss on his now cold forehead, my lips went numb! It was one of the most distressing experiences of my life!

Carrying the closed casket into the ambulance, and then into church for the funeral procession, was further torture. Finally, I hoisted my grandfather's casket onto my shoulders for the final time, as my bare feet turned ashen from the burning hot sand surrounding his final resting place. After a few final words of prayer, the casket was lowered gently into the pit, and that was the last I was to see of my grandfather! Even the Almighty attempted to wash away the sorrows of those gathered, as rain descended upon the land, but nothing could raise my spirits as the final chapter of my grandfather's cherished existence came to a close! After a quiet dinner, we slept peacefully for a few hours before starting back for Trivandrum early the next morning, finally arriving at 12-30 in the afternoon! Mercifully, the ordeal was over, and I had no more grief-stricken faces to confront. Memories of this experience were now in the past, where I could leave them in peace forever more!

Proof that I have a Frikkin' Life

Today was an unusually hectic day as compared to the previous few that I've had to endure. Signs of life finally seem to be emerging from this thoroughly bored mind! The day began with an ominous deadline set by my mom to------CLEAN MY ROOM!!!.......Though on most occasions, I would have ignored it citing various excuses, this time it was followed by a threat...to disallow all outings before tuitions begin unless the task is complete by NOON!

As you can figure, that was just about the wake-up call I needed! Spent most of the morning throwing out piles upon piles of papers, notebooks, textbooks, answer sheets and what not! Laboured for half a day and finally completed my arduous task by abt 1-30. Following the completion of my chores and a quick lunch, I headed off to Poojapura for a game of cricket with the guys. The game turned out to be pretty exciting. While the opposition consisting of Kiran,Akram,Appu,Ashwin & co. posted 62 in 10 overs, my team consisting of Sidharth,Riaz,Aravind, Abhikith,myself & others, managed to chase down that total with nearly 2 overs to spare, having started off at a brisk pace. I chipped in with my spin bowling seeming to generate uneven bounce and turn from the track, causing problems and eventually earning me the wicket of Kiran, at a very economical rate as well! The highlight of the match were two lofty sixes struck by my teammates, both of which cleared the ground, one resulting in a lost ball, while the other was recovered successfully after a long search!

Following the match, Akram,Hrithwik and I left the ground at 5-45, catching an auto to head off to New Theater.....having had to lend cash for Sivin and Arun Lal and Hrithwik's tickets, I found myself stretching my wallets at the ticket counter! Arun Lal's absence in the movie hall further pissed me off! But the movie itself was excellent! A large audience consisting of Prathik,Ron, Me,Akram,Mathews,Sivin,Aditya,Ajith and Tao watched the movie together and it was definitely one of the most entertaining movies I've watched in a while. The film ended at about 8-30, and so I walked away uptil Overbridge, catching a bus at 8-55 and reached home finally by 9-30. It was a great day, a refreshing change from the regular routine of orkutting, blogging, chatting, watching TV and sleeping that I've been following recently, almost as a new mantra or lifestyle!

The System Works!!!

My prayers have been answered! The Supreme Court has stayed the 27% OBC Quota for IITs and IIMs for the 2007-08 academic year, which means that I still have a 0.00001% chance of entering an IIT, which is worth fighting for. Had the quota been cleared, I definitely would have given up all hopes of an IIT seat and instead,worked merely towards admission into a respectable college. But the dream lives on thanks to this deliverance of justice from our oft-criticized judiciary.

Granted that my jubilation may sound selfish, but there are sound reasons for my opposition to the bill. Though reservations have been in place for half a century, in my eyes at least, the cons have outweighed the pros to a great extent. Since 1931, there has been no attempt by the government to reclassify the OBCs and SCs and STs. This means that government policies for minority upliftment, including quotas, even today are based on data that is 76 YEARS OLD..........does that make sense??There has also been no case study of the reservations ALREADY in place for the SCs and STs, so imposing further reservations blindly without weighing out the pros and cons of the reservation policy is lunacy! The benefits to the so-called "creamy layer" have also been declared as a "necessity" by the govt , which further adds evidence to the fact that this is nothing but an attempt to gain political mileage with the minorities, and for a Congress-led government under Manmohan Singh to do so, is disappointing and heartbreaking!

In my mind, there is no questioning that justice has been delivered, and the DREAM LIVES ON!

The Next Phase in Evolution

My date with destiny draws closer. Only 4 days remain for the start of Krishnankutty Sir's Maths tuitions for 12th Std., and the nose might be grinding against the books far sooner than I hoped. With Jayakumar soon to follow up with daily Physics tuitions from 9th onwards, and Christudas to start on 20th, all hell will officially break loose when SCHOOL begins on May 7th....just picturing it sends chills up my spine!

The biggest thing I shall miss this year compared to 11th, is the inter-schools and on-stage performances that brought me such great joy and lifted my mind away from the burden of academics so succesfully. An entire year devoid of all such activity seems, for lack of a better word, A Pain in the Ass !Though I've made it obvious in the past as well, my LAST wish in 12th would be to-----Hold that Treasured Mike ONE LAST TIME !At the same time, there is a sense of expectation regarding this year. It helps to be optimistic, and that's exactly what I'm trying to be. This is THE year in which I shape my DESTINY, the year on which my FUTURE depends------I walk into 12th a boy, and walk out a MAN, independent, career-savvy, and determined to make my mark in this world! The things I will do this year for the last time.....have daily interactions with my friends at school and tuition, go out for movies with friends during hols, talk on the phone regularly, spend a majority of the day dedicated to a specific and useful task, rather than just sleeping 16 hrs a day.............these priceless gifts I often take for granted, but I now realise that these will end by the end of 12th. There are a lot to savour and cherish about this year, and at the same time a lot of things I shall enjoy forgetting, but be that as it may, it is my last chance to revel in the world I have always known..........a world where it is easy to make friends, have fun, enjoy life, and stress over nothing more than marks, and not be burdened by life's harsh realities!

So though this is gonna be a year of struggle and though I will have to dig deep down to achieve my goals, it could be the best year of my life yet! That's how I choose to view it, and though, as a result of this post, I may be showered with remarks of "shameless bujji" by my readers, this is the ONLY way I see possible to handle this ordeal that we call 12th!

Stallions Stunned

t was a sad day at Thankamma Ground today, as Stallions FC fell prey to the boys from BVB by 2 goals to 1. The highly anticipated final of the BLA CUP had a slow start, but eventually became livelier. BVB had the first clear chance on goal, as Dhaneesh handled the ball on the box to concede a penalty. The penalty was smashed sky high by the BVB striker, choosing power over precision. John was then forced to go home as his mother had arrived to pick him up. His loss swayed the game to a great extent. A few minutes later, a deft move involving Subin and Varun, followed by a well-timed pass allowed Abin to prod the ball into the net past the advancing goalkeeper to earn Stallions a 1-0 lead. But the joy was short-lived, as Sajul handled the ball in the box just minutes later to earn BVB a 2nd penalty. This time, the penalty was made to count and the score was pegged back at 1-1. Stallions, still reeling from the disappointment of having conceded so soon after taking the lead, were then rocked by a quick surge into the box which was capped off by a brilliant shot by Ismail(BVB), beating Ansar to clinch a 2-1 lead. The score remained the same as half-time arrived. The 2nd half featured a lot of frantic play. Several key players, including Varun and Sandeep, played below their potential in the first half, and seemed to be having an off-day. Stallions came close to equalizing on several occasions, but just could not capitalize on their chances. Subin came closest when he struck the ball on the volley and unfortunately caught the crossbar! At the same time, Vishnu, substituting the injured Ansar, pulled off some good saves to keep the opposition from scoring. BVB almost finished the job late in the 2nd half, when a cross into the box was prodded him once again by Ismail, but the goal was disallowed for Offside. The match finished 2-1, and BVB went home with the cash................

On the whole, it was worth watching the match, as the football was of a good standard. At the same time, we had a lot of fun primarily because we could play around with Vish's mobile, and the company of Jacob,Vinay,Akram,Aditya,Hrithwik, Lal and Ansar kept us entertained. On the whole, though the loss was disappointing, but the experience was definitely worth it.

The Road Ahead

The WORLD CUP dream is up in smoke! And no matter which way you look at it, deservedly so! Not one player stood up at crucial stages and performed to his potential. Ganguly, arguably, had the most PERSONALLY satisfying WC compared to all the others, yet, what joy is there to leave the biggest stage in Cricket, possibly even for the last time, after having played only 3 matches? This series has been a hellish experience, and one of THE BIGGEST disappointments in this trip to the Carribean, was the fact that IRFAN PATHAN, the man whose selection raise so many eyebrows, never got a chance to justify the selectors' faith in him!Predictably, the response back home is hostile, and never has a Dhoni Brylcreem Ad been viewed with such anger,resentment and disdain. The keeper's failure to live up to the potential that he had shown in previous series has only added fuel to the fire........the call has already been made---- "Ask our CHAMPIONS to come back home and open thattukadas and tea stalls, maybe that is a simple enough task for them to manage!"

But now that this journey is behind us, several questions loom large. Should Tendulkar retire or be dropped? Perhaps it is time, though I would hate to see him step away from the limelight so soon, there is no question that age and injuries have taken a toll on him, and he is no longer the match-winner that he once was! I wish for him to be treated exactly the same way that Ganguly was, for past achievements can no longer suffice for the failures of the present!
Should Dravid be retained as captain?Definitely. This is a period of turmoil, when questions will be raised and players will begin to doubt themselves. What you need at this stage is stability. Take lessons from the Pakistan scenario. You need to retain Dravid, because he is a good captain, but there's only so much he can do if his players don't perform!Should Dhoni be dropped? Hell NO! Every player has bad patches, and to drop him at such a stage would be a HAMMERBLOW to his confidence, and he may never recover from it!He is a player who will do you proud in future WCs...this being his first, perhaps a little LENIENCY should be shown!Should Greg Chappel be retained?YES!Because again, the duty of performance lies with the players, and their failure cannot be blamed on Chappel. Chappel's record with the Indian team is far better than a majority of our previous coaches. I feel he still has a lot to offer Indian Cricket, if given the chance. I suggest he be retained and be given a vote of confidence for at least a few more series following the World Cup!

My ONLY Suggestion?-----Change your selection ideologies. Performances and form should count, and not only a player's record! Ganguly was out of form for a year, and caused all sorts of controversies, before he was FINALLY dropped, but in the most SHAMBOLIC manner imagineable! Yet his comeback is the most positive development in Indian cricket in the past year! If your senior players do not perform, do not hesitate to axe them! Every player in this side needs a wake-up call....you cannot take your place in the Indian Cricket Team for granted. Your place in the side is not your birthright...you earn it every time you wear that jersey and do your country proud. You may have done so on several occasions in the past, but there may always be someone better at your job NOW!! Perform or Perish!!Then of course.....the perennial requests....improve your local coaches, reduce the RIDICULOUSLY large no. of teams playing in the Ranji Trophy, build more grounds, not stadiums, but grounds, so local kids can learn and play the game, and you can discover your talent far more easily!And lastly......Play 5 Bowlers...what gives you the impression that our 4 bowlers will perform brilliantly in every game and complete their 10 overs??....our bowling is not stron enough. If you cannot score 250+ with 6 batsmen, then go back to Club Cricket and re-learn the game! It is outrageous to even consider playing 7 batsmen with that batting line-up! A Fifth bowler sures up you weak bowling attack, helps you manage the loss of one bowler by injury or if he gets TONKED........he ensure that at least 40-45 overs are bowled by SPECIALISTS, who can take WICKETS! This is a time to rebuild and introspect, not to brood over a loss that we, by all means, thoroughly deserved!

The Gathering Storm

MY life as I know it, seems to be drawing towards a dark,narrow precipice, with no hope of turning back.......... 11th was a confusing year. On the one hand I feel I have accomplished almost everything I set out to achieve in the year gone by. Yet, the nagging feeling that I have failed to live up to my academic ambitions remains! At the beginning of the year, I had made a solemn promise to myself, to shed the embarassment and the concern, and try my hand at everything physically possible! Though I have upheld that promise, I have allowed it to seriously interfere with my academic progress! Through the year, I became absolutely DEPENDENT on inter-schools to draw me away from the boredom of classes. The freedom to bunk innumerable days with the excuse of representing the school was enticing, and I grabbed it with both hands. In the process, I now find myself in a state of quandary. Throughout the year, I am certain that it was these very co-curricular activities that kept me interested in coming to school! They guaranteed me the quota of fun which I needed in my student life that year.

Now, alas, 12th is fast approaching. Even if school may start only in May, tuitions will begin long before (April 2nd to be exact). I'm faced with the grim prospect of an entire year devoid of ANY co-curricular events. This year will basically DECIDE my future, and thus, to slack off academically as I did the previous year is a big NO-NO! It will be a year of unmatched boredom, toil, hard work and at times, mind-numbing mugging of meaningless text. I know that I will have to bear it all, just as lakhs of other students writing the BOARDS, AIEEE, KERALA ENTRANCE and IIT-JEE.........but preparing myself mentally for such a great challenge, is proving to be difficult! Just picturing the DAILY extra classes of Lekha Ma'am and Bindhu Ma'am makes me nauseous!

But i guess I can't let these things affect me right now! I've got about 10 days of freedom left before my journey through the darkness begins! Time to stack up movies, play football and download music i guess!!