I come to this domain once again with a heavy heart and a flurry of thoughts crossing my mind with every passing second. I realize now that more often than not, confusion, anxiety or grief prove the driving force for me to unleash myself upon this website, in the vain hope that merely writing about my problems and hurts shall make them go away. In all honesty. though the burden does lighten, no issue can so easily be resolved. If that were indeed the case, life would never be quite as challenging.I write once again of a personal problem. Not usually the kind I discuss publicly, since it is immensely personal, but I feel I must, else this cloud of depression shall never lift from above me. The true purpose of this post shall hopefully be clear by the end of it.
The past often tends to trick us. Boyhood memories and long-standing friendships often help us to paint far rosier pictures of our future than that which destiny has drawn out for us. The world is not as simple as it appears, and perhaps that is why I feel disillusioned to a certain extent with the one I face today.
A vital connection from the past has begun to fade away. The strongest bonds of friendship and more are formed probably when we ourselves are too young and naive to give in to our all-too-human nature of lies, manipulation and deceipt. There is no conception of profit or loss, no priority to the end over the means. This is exactly why seeing this particular relationship fade away so suddenly and abruptly has shaken me. During my final year in school, it had counted among the handful of connections that I felt could and would probably last a lifetime. It is to these people who I accord a special status in my life : they are the ones I credit for having given me my dearest memories, or for having helped make me a better person. These are not people you meet every other day. Knowing just one is a gift, and any more a blessing! Losing them, no matter how quick or slow, is the worst curse one can endure! Transitioning from a naive teen to a responsible adult can often bring out the worst in men. But it's these link that help them maintain their innocence while growing into the roles they are expected to fill!
To this day, I have not regretted a single friendship I've made. I've looked back and wished that I'd been closer to some, but never wished to part from any. I feel I have this naive tendency to observe the best in someone much more easily than the bad, which is why some of the decisions and judgements I've made about others may perhaps have been unbalanced. Yet, I've been fortunate not to have had to question any of these judgements until now. The manner in which this particular connection withered away bears ominously in my mind. It ravages my self-esteem, devalues the worth of my friendship to others in my mind, and creates doubts about my own beliefs and attitude to life that I no longer wish to entertain. I've made every single attempt possible to revive it. Everything I thought I could and should've done, I did. Though I'd felt that we'd already borne the brunt of our troubles in a brief period during my school years and yet sailed through unscathed, perhaps that was my misconception! Perhaps our connection was never strong enough to make it through......Having worked so hard to revive it the first time, and having met with what I thought was success, could I perhaps have ignored the tell-tale signs that indicated quite the opposite? I know I've made mistakes in the past, but could this also be one of them? These thoughts are excruciatingly complex and far too uncomforting to ponder over. It makes me wonder if any other of my dearest friendships were based on lies I could not discern.......leading to a feeling of unwantedness and rejection that leaves me hollow!
Here lies the true reason behind this post. It is not meant to be very specific or a tabloid-like expose in nature. The person in question may never read this post, and I won't be advertising about it! After several attempts, I have, at last, given up hope! The door to this relationship has been locked and sealed away for now(perhaps though, not permanently), its memories still vivid in my head, but no longer as rosy as they once had been! This post is a commitment to myself : that whenever I feel the urge to break down those walls I've built for myself in this one case, I look back and realise the hurt I'd once felt! Even though doing so would defy every principle I've lived by, it is what I must do to move on. A commitment to myself is far harder to live up to than one made to others, for it requires great discipline and belief in one's own decisions! I cannot afford to reach out and build new bridges where the terrain will perhaps never be favourable to it. I refuse to spend my waking moments in such thoughts which question my very self-esteem, and draw tears when there should be none! I cannot let it alter my life or change the beliefs by which I've led it.....which it may if given the chance to permeate further into my mind! I will always see the good in people before the bad, yearn to be in everyone's good books, look for someone to whom I can bare my soul! I have always yearned to stay consistent to who I am even as the years go by : but even though I shall never regret any of the decisions I've made, my heart is too weary to continue to foster unrealistic ambitions about oft-strained connections. While some bonds shall remain true, others shall cruelly fade into dust. To expect any more of life would be insanity!
