A Commitment to Myself

I come to this domain once again with a heavy heart and a flurry of thoughts crossing my mind with every passing second. I realize now that more often than not, confusion, anxiety or grief prove the driving force for me to unleash myself upon this website, in the vain hope that merely writing about my problems and hurts shall make them go away. In all honesty. though the burden does lighten, no issue can so easily be resolved. If that were indeed the case, life would never be quite as challenging.

I write once again of a personal problem. Not usually the kind I discuss publicly, since it is immensely personal, but I feel I must, else this cloud of depression shall never lift from above me. The true purpose of this post shall hopefully be clear by the end of it.

The past often tends to trick us. Boyhood memories and long-standing friendships often help us to paint far rosier pictures of our future than that which destiny has drawn out for us. The world is not as simple as it appears, and perhaps that is why I feel disillusioned to a certain extent with the one I face today.

A vital connection from the past has begun to fade away. The strongest bonds of friendship and more are formed probably when we ourselves are too young and naive to give in to our all-too-human nature of lies, manipulation and deceipt. There is no conception of profit or loss, no priority to the end over the means. This is exactly why seeing this particular relationship fade away so suddenly and abruptly has shaken me. During my final year in school, it had counted among the handful of connections that I felt could and would probably last a lifetime. It is to these people who I accord a special status in my life : they are the ones I credit for having given me my dearest memories, or for having helped make me a better person. These are not people you meet every other day. Knowing just one is a gift, and any more a blessing! Losing them, no matter how quick or slow, is the worst curse one can endure! Transitioning from a naive teen to a responsible adult can often bring out the worst in men. But it's these link that help them maintain their innocence while growing into the roles they are expected to fill!

To this day, I have not regretted a single friendship I've made. I've looked back and wished that I'd been closer to some, but never wished to part from any. I feel I have this naive tendency to observe the best in someone much more easily than the bad, which is why some of the decisions and judgements I've made about others may perhaps have been unbalanced. Yet, I've been fortunate not to have had to question any of these judgements until now. The manner in which this particular connection withered away bears ominously in my mind. It ravages my self-esteem, devalues the worth of my friendship to others in my mind, and creates doubts about my own beliefs and attitude to life that I no longer wish to entertain. I've made every single attempt possible to revive it. Everything I thought I could and should've done, I did. Though I'd felt that we'd already borne the brunt of our troubles in a brief period during my school years and yet sailed through unscathed, perhaps that was my misconception! Perhaps our connection was never strong enough to make it through......Having worked so hard to revive it the first time, and having met with what I thought was success, could I perhaps have ignored the tell-tale signs that indicated quite the opposite? I know I've made mistakes in the past, but could this also be one of them? These thoughts are excruciatingly complex and far too uncomforting to ponder over. It makes me wonder if any other of my dearest friendships were based on lies I could not discern.......leading to a feeling of unwantedness and rejection that leaves me hollow!

Here lies the true reason behind this post. It is not meant to be very specific or a tabloid-like expose in nature. The person in question may never read this post, and I won't be advertising about it! After several attempts, I have, at last, given up hope! The door to this relationship has been locked and sealed away for now(perhaps though, not permanently), its memories still vivid in my head, but no longer as rosy as they once had been! This post is a commitment to myself : that whenever I feel the urge to break down those walls I've built for myself in this one case, I look back and realise the hurt I'd once felt! Even though doing so would defy every principle I've lived by, it is what I must do to move on. A commitment to myself is far harder to live up to than one made to others, for it requires great discipline and belief in one's own decisions! I cannot afford to reach out and build new bridges where the terrain will perhaps never be favourable to it. I refuse to spend my waking moments in such thoughts which question my very self-esteem, and draw tears when there should be none! I cannot let it alter my life or change the beliefs by which I've led it.....which it may if given the chance to permeate further into my mind! I will always see the good in people before the bad, yearn to be in everyone's good books, look for someone to whom I can bare my soul! I have always yearned to stay consistent to who I am even as the years go by : but even though I shall never regret any of the decisions I've made, my heart is too weary to continue to foster unrealistic ambitions about oft-strained connections. While some bonds shall remain true, others shall cruelly fade into dust. To expect any more of life would be insanity!

Jack of All Trades, Master of One?

After several months of hibernation, the blogger in me has awoken again. A lazy Sunday morning is perhaps the best time I can get to let my thoughts wander the breadth of the universe with reckless abandon. It's been a year of several ups and downs for me personally. A time to reflect on the decisions I've made so far, and the choices I still face before me. To some extent, I suspect this is as much a part of embracing adulthood as the act of celebrating your 19th birthday, signifying that your teen years are now behind you.

On reflection, a lot of the decisions I've made so far seem to have been thought out, and yet, predictable. My life seems to have been shaped by a frightening sense of "destiny". Personally, I have always ridiculed that very concept, for I don't believe that anyone's future is set in stone. Only cowards too weak to realize the power and responsibilities they possess would hide behind such pretexts for comfort. Every once in a while I tend to drift off into this chain of thought that begs the question, " Why am I here? Is this really where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do? Does my true future lie elsewhere?". Often I can answer none of these irritatingly vague questions, but that still doesn't mean they disappear!

Perhaps the source of this frustration tends from the fact that my 1st year of college, at least in professional terms, has been a complete waste of precious time. Precious little value has been added to my yet-to-be-sripted resume inspite of the several months of long, taxing classes.

Could I perhaps have made a mistake in joining the Science stream in the first place? Would Humanities and a subsequent degree in mass communication and PG in journalism have been the way to go? Primarily, besides my dual interest in Science and literature, the lure of CHOICE drew me to Science. My options would be far greater post a B. Tech degree, than say a B.A. I could go for an M.Tech/MS if my field truly evoked the best of my intellect, and also choose to defect to PG in Journo, or in the worst-case scenario, to an MBA. This diversity helped make my decision a lot easier. Once into the Science stream, choosing my preferred B.Tech degree was never going to be a hard task, simply because I possessed neither the aptitude, nor the interest, to pursue anything besides Comp Sci. Yet, the mind keeps whirring and whirring like an endless freight train. My all-too-wise-from-personal-experience brother had warned me about the inadequacy of syllabus, but the sheer irrelevance of what I studied in comparison to what I hoped to study in the 1st year caught me off guard I suppose!

Though the reasons for my decisions may be well-founded even in my own eyes, the irony that I've steered clear of roads less travelled seems to drive into me like a sharp needle! I always imagined myself to be independent-thinking and stubbornly unmovable about my vision for my own future. But could it be that for like so many before me, this very spirit of individuality has been diluted by the realities of life, and a crisis of self-confidence? Have I chosen the safer path out of fear or out of conviction?

To an outsider, it may perhaps seem obvious that I've "sold out" to life, but I remain unconvinced. Perhaps after my 2nd year of college draws to a close, I shall understand precisely why I chose the path that I did. Everyone wishes to stand out of a crowd, to be different, to excel and to pioneer, but perhaps my future may not truly lie there. Perhaps my future lies exactly where I'd seen it when I'd set out to finally make my own decisions. Not as the Air Force pilot, TV news anchor, or Astronomer that I'd aspired to become a decade ago, but more along the line I've followed thus far! For a person with varied interests, a career need not be the summation of all his interests : the rest may remain as hobbies evoking equal passion. As the title of this post indicates, perhaps that is where my "destiny" truly lies! I still cannot guarantee what this future may seem like 3-4 years down the line, but that's for God to know, and a mystery for me to unravel with patience, sincerity and above all, an unwavering sense of self-belief.

A Grand Spectacle

Technopreneur 2009 was a momentous occasion, and one of the first true instances where my chest swelled with pride at being an MECian. From its conception, to its planning, to its final execution, the event was a mammoth success. The day was an eventful one. A very lively and active presentation on technology, in particular wireless technology, and its future role in expanding our horizons was delivered by Mr. Anand Parthasarthy. Being the first speaker of the day, his engaging talk was a promising start to what would prove to be a day filled with eye-opening exchanges. Mr. Parthasarthy was then replaced on the dias by Mr. Manoj Das, editor of the Indian Express, Kochi edition, who spoke on the Freedom of the Media, and its role in shaping democracy in the twenty-first century. Given the topic, the chance to hear Mr. Das' views on the subject was priceless, but what was even more engaging was the question-answer round that followed. With the subject being of such mass appeal, the audience came alive, asking questions which arose from a sound understanding of current issues. Certain questions were so perfectly framed, that even Mr. Das had trouble answering them. One such question, notably, was asked by an ex-MECian, regarding the leanings of most printhouses today towards any one particular political party or ideology inspite of their claims of providing fair and unbiased reports of daily occurings around the world! The exchange proved to be healthy and extremely thought-provoking, and the smiles of the organizing team showed that visions of an unbelievably succesful event had begun to possess their minds barely a few hours into it.

Following these active discussions, Mr. Kalol Borah, an entrepreneur himself, spoke about Entrepreneurship in India, its Scope and the keys to becoming a successful entrepreneur. Unlike most of the audience, I had attended a similar seminar(albeit an exasperating 4-HOUR LONG ONE) at Excel 09, held by Tej Arora of Smartcrowds fame. As most of the content between these two seminars seemed identical to me, my interest level waned, and the general enthusiasm of the crowd too, seemed to dip. Although several of my fellow classmates and all appreciated his talk and stated that he appeared very knowledgeable and wise during the 30-odd minutes that he spoke, I could hardly notice as my mind was not there. Following Mr. Borah, the star of the event and the most anticipated speaker of the day, Mr. Sarath Babu, took the dias. The audience welcomed him with thunderous applause, and a unanimous standing ovation, the first of its kind of the day, signifying that they too, recognized the calibre of the man who was about to speak before them. Recalling his journey from selling home-made idlis on the streets of Chennai to IIM-A and to establishing Foodking, and his recent foray into politics, he captured the audience's imagination. His English was rusty, indicative of the background from which he'd struggled to the top, but it only endeared him more to the audience. His awe-inspiring determination and will to succeed, along with his good natured smile won him more than 1200 fans within 10 minutes of his 40-min lecture. He spoke of the challenges he faced during his school life, his risky dance with death as a teen, his embarassment at his poverty when he entered the halls of IIM-A, and a variety of other life experiences which spoke volumes about the depth of his character. The audience interaction round, more than just a simple question and answer round, turned into an expression of collective admiration, as several students and teachers alike raised their hands not only to clarify doubts, but to express gratitude to Mr.Babu for gracing the occasion and achieving in 40 mins the impact that the organisers had hoped to gain at the end of the entire day!

The buffet lunch that followed was well worth the wait. There were ample servings of chicken, mutton, beef, fish, veg curries, fried rice and rotis to go around. For many of those who had come from other colleges to this event, the discount buffet had been the major attraction. Even if the speakers had failed to deliver, a good lunch would have still sent most home with no regrets. Thankfully, the cooks of the Gokulam Park Hotel didn't disappoint. It was a sumptuous feast and I ate till my stomach threatened to burst at it seams, and then gobbled down 2-3 helpings of vanilla ice-cream for good measure before returning to the seminar hall. The post-lunch session featured a debate on Youth Politics. Though Mr. Ritabrata Banerjee, a prominent SFI leader failed to arrive, there were other capable speakers to fill his place. The debate was informative, and overall nicely done, but the rebuttal session in which the crowd got into the act turned into a straight out dog-fight between Ms. Deepti Mary Varghese, a reputed Youth Congress leader, and SFI supporters and politically aware youth among the audience. The battle was intense, and at times I felt great pity for Ms. Deepti, for the absence of Mr. Banerjee had left her the lone representative of a political party on the dias, with students' contempt of the political class clearly evident. It was also amusing to an extent, but there were a few good intellectual questions asked among the unnecessary heckling from ideologically motivated members of the audience.

The evening was closed out by a brief summary of the Chandrayaan Mission by Dr. K. Radhakrishnan, Director of the VSSC. Under most circumstances, this lecture would have been among the greatest crowd-pullers, and would certainly have received top billing in my book. Disappointingly though, Dr. Radhakrishnan proved to be not quite as eloquent as his counterparts, and the lecture became a rather tedious, prolonged affair that failed to grab the attention of any section of the audience. The lecture was too detailed, and the presentation too dry to merit any interest or audience response. Of course, the fact that most of us had over-eaten and were now sitting in plus padded chairs in an air conditioned hall did nothing to help stifle the yawns. While some declared their boredom openly by leaning back and dozing off, others like me tried to distract ourselves with a bit of conversation or a text message : anything, essentially, to avoid nodding off which would perhaps be insultin to the speaker.

With the final lecture of the day having been given, Technopreneur 2009 drew to a close. After a vote of thanks acknowledging the efforts of everyone involved in the planning and execution of the event, the audience dispersed, some rushing to railway stations and buses to make their way home before nightfall, and others like us, back home, to reflect on what was a true spectacle, and to speculate about the headaches we shall encounter when Technopreneur 2010 comes around!

The Toil Behind The Glamour

Technopreneur 2009, held at Gokulam Park Hotel on Jan 31st, turned out to be one of the most prestigious events ever to be conducted by our college! The build-up to the event was nerve-wrecking. The anticipation was greatly heightened by the line-up of speakers that had been announced, and the number of cities to which our seniors had travelled to publicise the event. Days prior to the event, I myself had travelled back to Trivandrum on a jam-packed day, faced with the hectic task of visiting three colleges, GEC Barton Hill, CET, and LBS and meeting with their student representatives to confirm the final list of students seeking passes to the event, and the requisite amounts of money! In a single day, we travelled about 450-500 kilometres : by train, by bus and on foot. A packet of biscuits, a paltry lunch, and a bottle of Aquafina were all the nourishment we could achieve that day. It was demanding, and physically exhausting, yet the satisfaction of having collected an approximate of Rs. 20000(the correct figure escapes my memory) in a single day for our cause was limitless!

The day before the event, we were forced to cut class on Friday to deal with last-minute crises that had hit the preparations for the event. Though our seniors had ensured almost all aspects were taken care of well ahead of time, handouts remained a troubling issue. The nightmare scenario which we desperately wished to avoid was to present these great speakers to an audience which had very little clue of their stature and had no means to find out! On Thursday night, about 8-10 of us worked from about 9-30 in the night uptil about 2-30 in the morning in the MH with hardly a break in between, sorting out the several stacks of handouts that had arrived from the printing press, but remained unsorted. The next morning, with a stronger work-force, we headed to the printing presses with the boxes of sorted handouts to make further additions to each of those handouts and finally proceed with binding. Though about 1200 had so far booked their tickets to the event, another 200 were expected to register on the spot, which is why the target set before us was a staggering 1400 handouts to be assembled and spiral bound in the space of a single day. Chaos soon broke out due to confusion in the order of pages and shortage of certain pages. Our own efforts lagged as a result, and by mid-day, the task seemed fruitless. But we dug in, and worked tirelessly, breaking only for a brief lunch. We toiled from around 9 am till closing time at the printers' at 6 pm. In the end, thanks to our refusal to quit, we managed to succesfully 1342 handout booklets.

The efforts that we ourselves had to put in truly pale in comparison to the incredible amount of time, money and energy that our seniors had put in to organize the entire event. Our energies were drained while managing only a minor fraction of the overall event, but our seniors excelled at managing every aspect of an event that was, in terms of scale, to use a less eloquent terminology, "Technopreneur 2008 ka BAAP". Transport, food, accomodation, hall, guest reception, college-to-college canvassing, collection, flyers and posters, websites, blogs, advertisments.....you name it, and they've dealt with it! The pinnacle of efficiency that any student body can desire when undertaking the organisation of such a gargantuan event with little ground support from the college. They are the true icons I look up to, for they are proof of what you can absorb and gain from these 4 years besides the simple B.Tech degree.

Technopreneur 2009 Teaser