To Whomsoever I May Offend

Here's offering an unconditional apology to any reader who may have read/ will read my posts on the events that unfurled on 08-02-08!

This blog was meant to serve as an outlet for my deepest(and sometimes least-cherished) thoughts and underlying emotions....and an honest confession demands no apology on my part! Hence, I apologize not for the thoughts I've expressed, for they were, in the truest sense, heartfelt and genuine......but rather for the lack of any fore-warning! To anyone(particularly my teachers) whose feelings may have been/ will be hurt by the following posts, my sincere apologies, for that was never my intention! At times, writing about such incidents seems the only way to drive them away from my mind, and so, I was left with little choice! At such a crucial time in my life, my mind can least afford to ponder over such issues! Irrespective of what has transpired over the last couple of days, I shall never forget their contribution in shaping my young life, and shall remain forever indebted to them! Perhaps even this experience hides a lesson.....that the age of innocence is at an end, and we can no longer escape accountability for our deeds !

I do not expect everyone to share my views... a few readers will dismiss my posts as "extreme","exaggerated", "misleading", or even "sensationalist", and perhaps in earnest truth, they are , BUT.......my thoughts are and forever will be....MY VERY OWN! I feel I have no reason to apologize, as I have not defied any of the principles I cherish, by speaking my mind in this regard! Hence, to those who plan to read the following posts, let this serve as a warning.....reader discretion is advised, and your comments, positive or negative, are welcome.....but even if my views on this event change after a month, or my mood mellows, or negative comments shower down upon my roof....No further updation/deletion will be made to the previous posts! My posts are never meant to be enthralling/pleasing/sugar-coated.....only honest,brutally, if need be!......

With that....I say thank you....., and bid farewell until my next post!

Fading Away Without a Trace...........

The tag of "alumnus" now rests upon my shoulders...and in the most uncomfortable manner. Expectations of Feb 8th, at an all-time low after the news that our batch would be denied a Farewell, were reduced to fruitless ambitions of a deranged mind! What was meant to be a significant attempt at gaining emotional closure at the end of an incredible 7 years of learning in the protected, familiar, cozy environment of STCS turned out to be an eye-opener : Clearly, there is no love lost between this batch and the faculty!

Though I hate to admit so, it appeared, in all honesty, an attempt by the school, to wash its hands off our batch! It showed that little from the past had been forgiven, if not forgotten! The final day disappointed in ways I cannot explain! The cloud of gloom looms because of the incredibly formal, almost uncaring manner in which the batch was shipped out at about 11 am. This was arguably the worst way I could've ended the school year, and it seems there truly is no looking back . Are we worse than the batches before? Perhaps, or perhaps not...... but the treatment meted out on the final day is indicative that our immature acts of rebellion struck home a great deal more than those of previous years! The anti-establishment mindset has been a trademark of 12th Stds. for several years, and unwanted disturbances have been created each year, but perhaps, never received with such hostility from the faculty. Such actions are scarcely ever aimed at showing disrespect to the faculty, but a celebration of perhaps our last opportunity to break the norms, to challenge the system!

Am I perhaps, judging the faculty's intentions harshly? With no explanations being offered about the morning's events, how else am I to interpret them? What disappoints me the greatest, is that, this show of apathy to the departing 12th has hardened the hearts of not only someone like me, a San Thomite for seven long years, but even those who've spent 14 years walking through these very same corridors...it's left them with a sense of bitterness and disgust...disgust at the way the school has treated its strongest supporters. It's justified the opinions of those who've only stayed in this school long enough to see it's shortcomings, or those who've only ever spared enough of their time to harp on its drawbacks! MY fear is that this un-emotional, almost robotic goodbye, will shred to pieces any little sense of loyalty that existed among us towards the school..... from newcomers to old-timers alike....! Why should we yearn to belong to a place where we CLEARLY are no longer welcome?

Yes, the faculty is composed of humans with the same right to feel outrage and disappointment at the actions of their pupils...but (and I say this with no intention of preaching), it's also true that forgiveness is among the duties of every teacher! Their charges may be too irresponsible to pay heed to their duties, but they certainly are not. How do you learn to dust yourself and stand up again....if you never feel the discomfort of falling on your face??....Where can we afford to fall, if not in the protected environment of our school? Perhaps that is why I've never wanted to be a teacher...the job entails a demanding commitment to educating a generation which respects only those whom it finds worthy. Respect is no longer given to every teacher by default, in much the same way that dedication is no longer a guarantee among all teachers! Some of us may hold on to our personal grudges for whatever inconsequential reasons, but I'd expected my more learned, world-wise teachers to rise above their own with far greater ease. Was a little forgiveness, even on our final day, too much to ask for??

There is disappointment, but I sense it'll fade away as quickly as our affiliation with the school! There is a deep sense of betrayal prevalent, erupting wildly in some minds, while lying dormant in others! We will return,perhaps on the 22nd for our hall tickets, and later to receive our mark sheets, T.C.'s and caution deposits, but I doubt if many of us will have anything on our minds except a 3-step simple come-collect-leave plan....what should we linger around for?? Some of us will return, maybe a handful in number, perhaps for personal reasons, and I'm sure I'll be among them....I'll return to meet those teachers, whom I admire, love, and respect, and who, I believe, would have found the courage to forgive me for whatever offences I may have committed individually or as a member of my batch! My loyalty to those few, remains unchallenged.......but I know now that the next time I step out of those gates, I'll have no other reason to turn back, and nor will any of the friends who accompany me!

The teacher-student relationship in our batch is perhaps, irreparably tarnished, and there is little now that can be done! To the teachers who may read this post, I would say only this :

"Bravo, and congratulations, because if you sought to punish us and hurt us for the wrongs we'd done in the past, you certainly succeeded! You struck us in the very place where the scars will run so deep that they may never heal! I cannot blame you, but only laugh at the irony of it all.......Does anybody truly believe in the notion of a "higher purpose"??If not our teachers, then
who else? Narrow-mindedness is a universal disease, so it would seem......For ALL that this achieved was to break young hearts terribly, some more than others!"

To my friends who may read this post, take comfort in the fact that disappointment cripples not you alone, but countless others just as much! It is, after all, my only source of solace! As the Principal stated so well in his speech.." You Carry The Flag of St. Thomas Wherever You Go! "---I have the scars now to prove it, but they are not badges of honour, but of everything else....disappointment,betrayal and insult! I sense there is little more to be said, and so...I sign off...hoping next to sign in on a much sunnier morning in June!

The Ties That No Longer Bind!

Feb 8th....I'll be certain to mark this day as among the most fruitless, demoralising days of my life! The events that occured(or rather.....DIDN'T occur) and the manner in which the day ended so abruptly left a sour taste in the mouth which I'll struggle to scrub away for the rest of my life.

The day began as expected, following tuitions, entering Bus No. 3...there was a sense of loss weighing heavily on our minds....yet, honestly, I never quite felt the kind of gripping disillusionment that I'd long expected! I'd not put much thought into which teachers' feet I'd touch, choosing instead to decide on the spur of the moment! We'd known that our Hall Tickets wouldn't be handed over just yet, as they'd not arrived(according to reports), and the prospects of a Farewell programme had been diminished ages ago, but I was happy to see that everyone had arrived to attend the solemn ceremony that morning, recognizing their duty to give thanks to those who'd helped them along their respective journeys! Honestly, I've never been a fan of the songs that are sung during this event, nor of the several speeches......but to be honest, Shreya's speech truly moved me! She, perhaps, delved into her own experiences too far...her nostalgia overcame her a few times, and perhaps caused sections of the crowd to lose interest or scoff....yet, to those of us who'd known her, even for a short while, we realized that she truly meant everything that she said....there was no act, no pretext, no drama.....just the heartfelt truth....and just for that, I felt a surge of respect for her, for having the courage to be so honest, even though she knew her views may not be shared by all others! Having myself studied here for 7 years, her words struck a chord with my own emotions, and I'm sure there were several others who felt much the same!
All the while, as the speeches rang out one after another, my attention was drawn to the corridors, where I noticed no teachers had arrived yet! And then, quite unexpectedly, the assembly was DISPERSED! I can't recount a single face among the 12th crowd that didn't bear a look of shock! It felt like a rude joke! We'd always known that we weren't the teachers' favourite batch...but I, for one, had never realized that they would bear a grudge deep enough to boycott such a solemn ceremony! Crimes had ben committed and forgiven in the past, but never had a batch been denied the opportunity to greet, shake hands, and seek the blessings of the teachers who'd taken such pains over the years to educate them! Not once had a batch been denied a chance to say "Thank You!"! What was that gesture meant to symbolize??......that the faculty had cut off all ties with this batch?...for it was percieved in these very same hurtful terms!

As we were marched down to the courtyard to have our photos taken, our questions yielded confusing replies such as "You'll have a chance after this!". Marksheets were distributed one after another in the most incredible hurry following the photo session! Sheila Ma'am brought in snacks, distributed to the whole class.....and the mood seemed uplifted! There were songs(mostly from the girls side) sung, jokes cracked, mindless yells with no real purpose, and a few water ballon explosions. In the midst of the madness, I chose to spend my time garnering signatures on my Lab Coat...feeling assured that I would have ample time to talk, celebrate and have fun once my task was over! The report cards flew in......there was murmuring about the way everyone's marks had dropped, but few of us wasted little more than a second pondering the reasons behind them! I resumed my duties and collected 3 teachers' signatures, and countless friends' signatures.....but then, at around 11 am.....we were told our time had come! The shock was unimaginable....only minutes ago we had planned how we would spend our time till the 2-30 trip! And here, we were being ushered into 3 buses by class teachers! With barely any time to even say our goodbyes, we boarded our buses, and it was done.....!

Can someone please explain to me what happened today?? Is there any message I should read from this SHAMBOLIC goodbye other than "This Is Not Your Home! It Never Was, It Never Will Be....Your Purpose Is Fulfilled, And You Are No Longer Welcome!"....Is it anything other than an incredibly insensitive way of saying "goodbye and good riddance"?? Was the teachers' boycott of the assembly representative of anything other than a BREAKING-OFF of all ties?? What did I gain from this day that had promised so much?....A Coat of Signatures....What else?? Why were we denied the time to chat with our friends for one last time....Why were we denied the time to present the cards we'd bought for our teachers??Why were we denied the chance to even convey a proper GOODBYE??

Should this school mean anything to us from now on.....and did we ever mean anything to it?.......

My mind is ablaze with questions to which I can find no pleasing answers.....every answer brings with it gloom and despair, the likes of which I cannot honestly describe! To any teacher who may read this post.......Was it because you felt our gestures would be ingenuine?...that our tears would be forced?...that our integrity was questionable?....if so, there is little to say, except that "TRUST" has grown so scarce, that the love, loyalty, respect and gratitude of a student undergoing the most difficult of transition of his life, are as cheap and debatable as the promises of a local politician.....scoff at our integrity to your heart's content, for you shall never know better ! I'm happy and grateful at the mercilessly quick end that was brought upon this sorry tale! .... Had I been given the time to ask questions, I doubt I'd have liked the answers. At least for now, I can satisfy myself with the belief that my presumptions may be far from the whole truth!......

Yet, one fact remains beyond question.......The umbilical cord that had tied so many of us to this school, has been snapped.....crudely, but with a sense of brute finality!

EUPHORIA : Simply Divine

It's rare for me to do posts such as these, but then, what would a blog be, if it did not reveal the very sources from which I draw inspiration in my daily life? The band Euphoria, is among the greatest reasons behind my love for music! Started in the 1990s, this group gave birth to the phenomenon of "Hind-Rock". The beauty of their music lies in the sheer hybrid of instruments they play. Their songs feature guitars,keyboards, tablas, sarods, harmoniums, congos, drums and a number of "desi" instruments, all blended in perfect harmony! Yet, of all the instruments, none is more dominant than the tabla, which is, arguably, my personal favourite. The lyrics are generally outstanding, and what draws me is the use of not only Hindi, but the sprinkles of Brij, Punjabi, and other dialects that add to the lyrical beauty! Their music speaks clearly of the folk background from which the band derives its own inspiration !

Lead singer, Palash Sen, is a living hero to me ! Not only is he one of the most versatile and talented vocalists I've ever heard ( whose range is truly beyond compare ) , but he's also a practising doctor ...... in essence, proving that the ultimate dream of fulfilling both your personal and professional fantasies is attainable! His voice has incredible tone, softness, and what I would describe in Hindi as "madhurta", and his range peaks at unfathomable levels ! He may have formed Euphoria with the all-too-believable motive of impressing girls during his college years, but Euphoria has travelled miles along the road to music legend ever since!

Confession : "As an 8-yr-old kid, I would dream of one day joining Euphoria, or perhaps even forming my own to follow their example, and (however childish it may appear) the dream lives on, and will most likely live on till I reach the ripe old age of 72. "

Pick of the Lot : "Mehfuz", "Maeri", "Dhoom Pichak Dhoom", "Phir Dhoom", "Soneya","Tu Bewafaa","Mantra", and "Aana Tu Meri Gully".

Sampling any one of these songs should give you the true essence of Euphoria and their music. You will not find another song that speaks of love, loss and moving on, with as much sincerity and honesty, as "Mehfuz" ! Palash Sen is my God, and EUPHORIA is my one true love, irreplaceable, and truly immaculate!

A Whispered Goodbye.......

It seems strangely ironic...that only a couple of days following a post about my aspirations for Feb 8th, I'm forced to reflect on the shaterring of those very dreams! It's official....the 2007-08 12th batch is the first batch since the inception of St. Thomas Central School in 1990 to be denied a farewell from its juniors!

It's hard to describe how disappointed this announcement makes me, and without doubt, others as well! The desires and expectations which I had for so long harboured, reduced to wishful thinking in mere seconds!

I cannot claim that our batch has been free of guilt, wronged cruelly by a vindictive faculty....for that would be turning a blind eye to everything we have done. Yes, there have been instances where sections of our batch(not all) have misbehaved, almost illogically and immaturely! School Day '07, Farewell '07, Christmas celebrations '07, and a handful of other smaller misdemeanours....we do have a history of ill-conceived acts of rebellion....I confess, that on School Day '07, I was among the guilty party! In protest against the heavy-handed approach of the Malayalam teachers in script selection, a section of our batch chose to greet the Malayalam drama on School Day with a chorus of "kooval" from the back of the audience! Though it may have seemed fun at the time, the distinct pang of guilt and shame struck me only later when I realized what we had truly "accomplished"....... little more than meaninglessly hurting the sentiments of our friends who'd risked their reputations to carry the drama forward, under circumstances none of them had hoped for at the very beginning! It remains, till today, one of the deepest regrets of my school life....betraying my friends for such trivial of causes!

Farewell '07 was another such incident. The slightly excessive teacher interference drove several of my batchmates to quit their acts out of frustration and resentment! Battle lines were drawn, and those of us(including me) who chose to ignore the cries for withdrawal, to give(or at least ATTEMPT to give) our seniors a worthy farewell were seen as traitors, or cowards. Though I'm happy that I'd learnt my lesson, and chose to follow what I knew and felt was right this time around, little that occurred that day makes me beam with pride! Judging from reactions, the programme turned out worse than expected( and feared) : An endless barrage of flop jokes, songs, and dances (not my views, for I saw little, if anything)!....The rude jeers,"kooval" and sarcastic laughs made it appear that the batch was at war...with itself! I shall never understand how they succumbed to the same temptation twice, inspite of the toll our immature act had taken on some of the Malayalam Drama participants for School Day !....Christmas '07, was for certain a just cause, but marred by flared tempers and over-zealous and unreasonable demands....what should have been resolved in the simplest of manners with a small apology perhaps, or even a mere recognition of wrong-doing, snowballed into a near riot-like scenario! That, was undoubtedly, the inexperience of our years on display....rather than focus our attention on the issue at hand, we chose to let anger and frustration rule our judgements, protest as a hostile mob rather than asking merely a handful of eye-witnesses to state what they had seen to the rest of the faculty or to the Principal! Not only did we fail to convey our protest properly, but in effect, ignored our duties as STUDENTS, and hampered our relations with teachers for whom we hold the utmost respect! Similar incidents, though much smaller in magnitude, would undoubtedly taint whatever legacy this batch leaves!......

Can these incidents be forgotten? Arguably not! Forgiven? I would hope so....though it may be a lot to ask for, forgiveness is a virtue, and there is no environment better suited for us to learn from such mistakes, than our school! Every experience helps us to grow and mature in its own way. It would be a shame if my relationship with some of the teachers whom I most deeply admire and respect were to be tarnished by unsavoury incidents such as these! Blame it upon our immaturity and recklessness, but I doubt anyone among us who reflects upon these incidents would remain ignorant of his wrong-doings ! Though an apology for all those hurtful moments would sound hollow and untrue, we are taught as children that it's never too late to repent and ask forgiveness!

Can I blame my teachers for cancelling farewell plans this year? NO!....for we have done little, I believe, to earn their sympathy in this regard. It is not within my right to ask for one, I fear! There is little I can say or do, except prepare for a "whispered goodbye", the likes of which I had dreaded ever since Farewell '07, and wish fruitlessly that I could turn back the clock and undo the mistakes of the past !.............