Seeking My Quantum of Solace??

Kindly forgive the generous help I had in the title of this post from 007's new yet-to-be-released adventure, but its aptness was unmatchable. Another day, and another exam has passed by....if I sound depressed or stuck firmly in the doldrums, you'll be pleasantly surprised. None of the exams I've given so far have disappointed me(well, not until the results arrive at least!). My confidence is irrelevant, for it is overshadowed by a steely resolve, to graft out a result, which I pray and believe I am capable of. "Do and Die", is the closest phrase which could summarize my...but something else lingers at the back of my mind. Perhaps it is the realization that the past 2 years of my academic life will come to an all-too-abrupt end ( excluding BITSAT and CUSAT) within a week. Beyond the horizon, the picture remains, at best, hazy. Though the course I adopt is dependent on the results that I finally manage in these 6 exams, my purview reaches far beyond just the immediate future.

There is yet, a lack of direction in my life. I've found a loving family, loyal friends, and like those around me, hope to someday earn my livelihood through a respectable occupation which I thoroughly enjoy. Yet something remains amiss. These feelings are hard to comprehend, and even harder, in my eyes, to explain to anyone outside my doubt-riddled mind! That definitive sense of purpose, the single-minded resolve to reach a destination where you feel you could do yourself justice, and honour the name of the Saviour On High, is missing. There are goals that define our existence: wealth, security, family....yet these amount to little for lives devoid of meaning, to ourselves and to others. Life is hardly about accomplishments, but more than that, it is a journey of self-discovery : A bid to learn one's true calling, and to use our own unique gifts to the purpose He intended. I, as yet, struggle to see that roadmap charted out for me since my birth.

There is only so much that remains certain...the courses I shall prefer, the institutes I would dream of joining, but beyond that, my mind draws a blank. The remedy : God Alone Knows! As for now, I'd love nothing more than to relax after the 27th. A weekend, devoid of telephones, mobile phones, computers, TVs, or anything close to my regular life! A time to reflect on what I've done over these past 17 years, and what path I must follow, to be able to look back at my life without an ounce of regret! A moment of peace and quiet, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, and a cool breeze(as if that exists in Trivandrum) to pacify me! A week later, this may appear an utterly boring proposition, but for now, to dream of such an improbable get-away, brings me great joy and comfort! The promise of solitude seems a dream worth pursuing at times!

The Great Indian Thamasha

It's a never-ending saga, that, in all likelihood, will dominate newspaper articles for decades more. The battle for social upliftment is a long drawn, tedious, but rewarding process. But the ill-conceived and socially divisive quota policy continues to serve as a slap to the face of every visionary who contributed in the making of our Constitution. In the debate between social justice and merit, the very notion of "justice" has been blurred.

My first argument against the policy of reservations is its very origin. Was it not the British Raj that introduced this very policy, which, at the time, was seen as an attempt to divide the people among community lines, and destroy the incredible harmony that had characterized the growing movement for self-governance? Why then, in these times, where outlooks have become far more modern, when education has spread to far many corners, are the same policies viewed differently?

Reservations were introduced by our fledgeling polity with the aim of narrowing the existing divide in opportunities. To a large degree, our Constitution makers sought to change people's mindsets, rather than offer quick-fix solutions to social plagues that had remained rooted in our culture for centuries. The Indian political establishment consisted of visionaries and dreamers, with the dedication and will to back their dreams to the desired outcome. Education was never brought under the wing of reservations! WHY?? Because the government realized their responsibility to spread education to different parts of the country....our literacy grew by leaps and bounds within the first 10 years of independence, because the administration prioritized education. Fast forward another 50 years, and the public education system has grown stagnant. To what extent, then, will reservation serve any benefit to the rural backward? The greatest section of the social and economically backward live in regions of our nation where schools are as scarce as clean drinking water, and the few which do exist within a 10-mile radius, are badly understaffed.

Why can we not see through the facade which every government over the past two decades has attempted to hide behind? Reservations in the elite institutes, and soon in private institutes, are little more than shameless attempts to shirk responsibility, and to garner votes. It will do nothing to enhance inter-caste ties or inter-communal ties, but instead will magnify prejudices that are already prevalent. The boundaries which separate us on the map of India will be far outweighed by the social barriers that this system will create.

Hark back to the very root of the problem which we hope to affront through these measures....discrimination. Dalits, to this day, are ill-treated and humiliated across the nation. Will handing them education or jobs change the archaic beliefs of the upper caste in rural India? Why, then, is not enough done in this regard? We have Dalit parties at the centre and state levels, speaking broadly of "Changing the Social Order", and a Chief Minister in Uttar Pradesh whose rise to power follows on those very principles. The stigma of caste cannot be removed by mere reservations, but by spreading awareness and changing people's attitudes. Alas, this simple message seems to evade the thick skulls of leaders across party lines.

The Quota system does little to hurt my prospects, as I never did foster realistic dreams of joining an IIT, and nor did I work with any true dedication in that direction. But what hurts me is not the "merit" debate, but the fact that people still consider the creamy layer an "issue". I still fail to understand what right middle-class and well-to-do OBC's in urban centres have to demand an advantage over several under-privileged members of supposedly upper-class communities. It is a debate that more often than not, leaves a sour taste in the mouth which I find hard to scrub away! In modern India, "justice" truly is blind. The battle for social justice has been metamorphosed in the span of 60 years into little more than a ploy in a large political scheme of power retention. The Great Indian Thamasha indeed!

Is the drama over with the Supreme Court judgement?? Far from it in fact, for there will undoubtedly be more PIL's and angry protests from students for whom the already stiff competition has become even more unreasonable. There will be drama, possibly even violence, and above all, this is what dampens my spirits! The sorry truth, that at a time when Indians ought to be spreading their wings across the globe in a show of strength and might, we choose to consume ourselves in needless infighting, encouraged by a gleeful, sinister political framework laughing all the way to the vote bank to check their deposits!

An Education In Itself

It is said that certain experiences in our lives leave a more lasting impression than others, if only for their uniqueness and individuality......rare moments seldom reproduced during our existence, moments of revelation, or exceptional clarity. Today was such a day. For the first time, arguably, in my entire life, I know why people dedicate years of their young lives in the hopes of clearing a SINGLE exam.....I've realized the worth of that effort! Granted, the realization may have come all too late, but not in my eyes at least. IIT-JEE 2008 is an exam I shall remember forever, not because of an exceptional performance( "below-par" in truth) or a session of genius on my part, but for something completely different. For the first time, I've understood the true meaning of "conceptual clarity"....the persistent dream of knowing your subject as well as the patterns of your palm lines. Though the exam, in certain respects, was a lot easier than in previous years, I feel a sense of satisfaction I have seldom felt anytime during my school life. I have finally faced a TRUE test of learning.....and it excites me, to be honest! There is an inescapable thrill that you feel when your intelligence is probed in such a manner, rather than your memory tested through random insignificant questions!

To speak of my performance, I attempted a whole lot more questions than I expected, but I fear a majority of them are negatives, which is why I prefer not to chance a guess at my overall score! Minimal knowledge and calculated guesswork may work wonders in lesser exams, but do little to enhance your score in this one! What I do know, is that regardless of the outcome, I have made no recognisable effort to warrant any such dream result! Yet, inspite of the end result, I feel happy and content. I know now that I cannot leave this exam without having a proper crack at it, which is why, in all likelihood, I shall retry next year.....Is it futile? If entry to an IIT is the criteria, then in all likelihood, it will be, but more than entry to such a reputed institute, I want to match my wits with these examiners once again......but this time, fully prepared, and armed with the fundamental clarity that I so obviously lacked during this attempt! The money that has been spurned on this occasion, is of little consequence, for there are experiences and adventures in this world that far outweigh their costs....and this, I feel, is among them! Adieu IIT, but the dream, for me, has just started, and I hope to work towards it for the next year, God Willing..........

P.S. : I realize that through this post, I invite labels of "geek", "nerd", "bookworm", and the like, which a majority of my friends know I'm not....but in hindsight, perhaps I ought to have been! There is no substitute for dedication and hard work, and the tags that accompany it should mean little to a true learner!

The Jester Who Reigned Supreme

There are several reasons for which I consider Std. VIII-A as the base upon which the pillars of my present life rests. It was the cornerstone of a transition from timid,mindless obedience to increased involvement in class activities, and also, to an extent, the bursting of my ego bubble. I have no qualms in admitting that prior to 8th, i was...in lenient terms, a "a dull,lonely,arrogant snob"....Some may wish to use harsher(and more demeaning) words, but I feel these are enough to convey the essential! Though that does not imply that I'm an angel now, at the very least, I feel a lot better about myself personally!

Something that I will cherish forever is the FREEDOM that I felt in 8-A. I have always stated that, of all my teachers, SHIRLEY Ma'am will always remain dearest to my heart. She is the first, and perhaps the only teacher, who I've felt connected to on such a personal level! Her down-to-earth, understanding and amiable nature have earned her my allegiance right from my very first Hindi class to my final one in 10th and beyond.........May God Bless Her!

But 8-A brought me another period in our daily schedules which gave me almost as much joy as every Hindi class. Maths had always been among my favourite subjects, but my love for the subject had always remained a cut above my liking for my subject teacher(s), until 8th Std. ANANTHA KUMAR SIR....or AKS(read as अक्स , not as initials) for short, is definitely among the most dynamic personalities in the teaching profession. His rating strictly as a teacher would probably have been 7 or 7.5 upon 10 at most, but as an educator, i'd struggle to award him any less than 9. The reason I distinguish the two is because of his ability to establish connections with his students on a personal level, which forms an integral part of the curriculum of holistic education. His openness and comical nature set his students at ease, which, over my 14 years of schooling, I have found to be an accomplishment which few educators can boast of regardless of their towering CVs! The freedom we enjoyed in his classes was unique! Students, when given freedom, tend to misuse it through internal discussions, rather than improving student-teacher interaction! Yet, that barrier was hardly ever a factor in AKS' classes......wise-cracks and doubts were shared with equal willingness!

He was witty, humorous, had strange mannerisms (like rubbing his hairy neck, which seemed to itch quite often when Praveen or George interrupted class), and was....all in all, a goofball, but an endearing one at that. His dialogues were perhaps not incredibly witty, but his delivery was OUTSTANDING. Even his most repetitive dialogues never failed to draw peels of giggling laughter, thanks to his "unique" English accent and beaver-like grin!....His outwardly friendly nature bore an impact upon us all. Our self-consciousness ebbed away, replaced by the rare ability of laughing at one's own mistakes. It lightened the atmosphere and made learning in class, believe it or not, enjoyable. I believe that as a person, I benefited tremendously from his short tenure at our school, for I learnt to loosen up, break away from the moulds which sought to shape my life like all others, to think out-of-the-box, and to exploit my freedom to be MYSELF with no fear of societal pressures. It was also the first time that punishments appeared enjoyable rather than grim or degrading! In that regard, my peers were far ahead of me, but I felt glad to have been given a start! He was a man who showed little hesitation in letting out his inner child and interacting with students on their own terms, a quality that is truly to be envied!

TRADEMARK DIALOGUES :

* "GEORGE MATHEW (pronounced as JORJ MAATHUU) , YOU GO TO CAGE!!"
(CAGE implying the gap between the door and the blackboard, usually
reserved only for the dust-bin)
* "WHAT MAN??" (the standard reply to anything half-amusing or bemusing)
* "WHAT MAN, LIVING IN INDIA AND DREAMING OF PAKISTAN??"
(directed at day-dreamers)

For these, and a multitude of other reasons, I, and undoubtedly all my fellow classmates from the legendary 8-A, and the other privileged few who studied under him, shall bear fond memories of AKS for years to come. Though he may have appeared to be the court jester, his subjects accorded him respect due to none less than a king !

The Legacy of Benazir Bhutto

The timing of my post may be far from ideal, but I still feel there is a message which needs to be communicated through it! I recently read my friend Prathik's account of the disheartening end brought to this path-breaking politician's life, yet I can't help but disagree in some respects. Benazir Bhutto, heir of the legacy of the Bhutto clan, may have left a mark unparalleled in significance in world history by becoming the first woman to lead a Muslim nation, but there is little I see in her accomplishments which justifies her treatment as little less than a local deity!

Benazir, during her tenure in power, did little to justify the title of "saviour" that was thrust upon her since her return. She and Rajiv Gandhi may have shared an understanding or even a camaraderie of sorts hitherto unseen between the leaders of our two great nations, yet her past is clouded by misdealings and failed policies. The fundamentalist forces she returned to defeat in 2007 are the very same hardcore fanatic groups which she and countless other Pakistani leaders from the past had sought to control and use to their advantage, not only to seek a violent settlement to the never-ending Kashmir dispute with India, but also to retain power at the centre. Decade after decade, the fundamentalist movement gained strength from its political backers, and though she may never have admitted her silent support, Ms. Bhutto certainly did very little to suppress the movement fast gaining roots in her homeland. Corruption charges have been levelled against Ms. Bhutto during her tenure in power, but as in all political cases, there is hardly any means of distinguishing between true cases and charges trumped up by the ruling government.

Gen. Musharraf, by seizing power, only emulated his predecessors' policies, albeit to a much greater degree, with far-reaching consequences for the integrity of the nation. The failure of the army to quell the growing separatist movements in Baluchistan threatens the integrity of the nation, and provides a new haven for the Taliban and Al-Qaeda. A large section of Moderates in the nation have decreed the army's heavy-handed approach in the troubled areas as a sign of Musharraf waging war against his own people.

Here, Ms. Bhutto's courage cannot be understated. Regardless of her past misdealings, she retained the courage to return to a land which had been badly scarred by tussles between the government and extremists, with the people caught in the middle! She realized that her end would come sooner rather than later, yet as it seems, her mind stayed resolute and unwavering. Would she have succeeded in her supposed motive, had she survived that attack? Perhaps, for she would certainly have been named Prime Minister with little opposition by the "democratic coalition". Yet, seeing how her husband, Asif Zardari, has been toying with the Prime Ministership saga for a while now, creating rifts within the party at a time when the democratic, secular voices in the nation need to stand in unity, inspires little faith that Begum Sahiba would have been much different. Call me a skeptic/pessimist, yet the democracy that has been restored to that nation hardly seems complete or even genuine! The need for Musharraf's ouster is being quelled by calls for "stability", something the people of Pakistan have not known under democratic governments and dictatorships alike. Democracy will never be attained unless the people's representatives respect their demands and seek the impeachment that has been long overdue. Looking firmly forward is no excuse for repeating the mistakes of the past !

Yet, if anything, Ms. Bhutto's unfortunate end has only galvanized her people's resolve to demand a government by, for and of the people. It has taught them that neither dictators nor fundamentalists can provide to them the peace they have desired for so long........and so, to an extent, she has succeeded. I would think twice before awarding titles such as "icon", "legend" or "hero" upon her, but I must appreciate what she did accomplish.......at a time when her country needed her the most, she listened to her conscience, sought to serve her people, and rewrite the wrongs of her past. In death, she served her people to a far greater degree than during her tragically short life. It has always been apparent to me that facing bullets is less mortifying than the prospect of reflecting upon your past and resolving to rewrite the legacy you leave behind......for it requires not only courage, but also character and humility! For this, she deserves my full respect, not as a deity, but as an example of how redemption is never too far, if one's resolve remains steadfast! This, to me, will remain her true enduring legacy!