The World Through My Eyes

3 days away from the university exams, and a small window of opportunity presents itself. It’s raining outside, and the smell of the greenery surrounding the hostel embellished by the gentle kiss of rain drops is far too enticing to ignore. Hardly the most conducive environment for cramming equations into your head. The heart yearns to merely lay still, watching the heavens open up outside while soft music plays in the background. It’s one of those moments that bring to your mind how amazingly peaceful and satisfying it is to just pause your life for a minute to let your worries float away with the gentle breeze, your thoughts wandering to the world around you.

It’s hard to believe this very world that delights us in its natural beauty is at threat every single day. From potential nuclear conflicts in the near future in the war theatres of the Middle East, the Indian Subcontinent, and the Korean peninsula, to a world climate change summit at Copenhagen which may well decide the expiry period of our race on this earth. Progress seems to have brought with it equally frustrating worries to heap misery on our everyday lives! All of this, mind you, as ‘learned prophets’ look for signs of the coming apocalypse, deriving incredible meaning from the most ordinary incidents. Whether it be the Mayan calendar or the Christian Calendar, we all seem to believe that the future is beyond our control and hence, our responsibilities deemed void.

We as a race seem to have become so accustomed to news of conflict, strife, and so addicted to the thought of being eternally vulnerable to evils lurking outside our doors that we go to the lengths of believing in such absurd media-hyped tripe as “love jehad”. It seems that a monster must always lurk in the corner, even if it is of our own creation! It’s truly incredible how much we’re capable of : from feats of genius to moments of astounding stupidity, from years of preaching tolerance and ahimsa to decades of arrogance, an allergy to compromise and a penchant for war, from closing our minds to the possibility of knowing more than what our religion alone certifies suitable for us to shunning all belief in the Almighty altogether. There seems no limit, neither upper nor lower, to what the human race is capable of. But increasingly, it is the depth to which we can sink that has caused us so many nightmares as a society. The weight of being the most intelligent beings on the planet (and perhaps even the universe) seems to have taken its toll upon this race.

Sound pessimistic? The truth often does, because it is that ugly. But unlike those who merely shrug their shoulders and count the days until judgement is brought upon them, I choose to retain hope. I don’t see DOOMSDAY painted on every wall. I don’t see wars and massacres as inevitable. I believe that our issues can be resolved. I believe that Indo-Pak tension can ease, that the Middle East crisis can lead to an amicable resolution, that the rise of other superpowers including China and India can bring balance rather than further disorder to a world where the U.S. is seen as both the caring parent and the unruly dictator. I sustain this belief because I feel that we as a race are as capable of good as we are of evil. Every Hitler is followed by a Martin Luther King Jr., every Babar by an Akbar. Almost every conflict we observe today stems from decades if not centuries of hurt and suffering. Even amidst the crusades there were periods when peace reigned over Jerusalem when both Christians and Muslims were granted rights to worship in the Holy Land. Decades of dictatorship and open massacres ended in the 90s with the 1 moment of reason and sanity on the part of Mikhail Gorbachev that ended the erratic Soviet rule and gave freedom to the people chalk out their own borders. With human history itself bearing witness to our ability to see reason when pushed to the crossroads, why should it be considered foolhardy to nurture hope?

Return to Blogging Ways and Exam Fever

This post officially marks my umpteenth return to the good ol' days where i documented each memorable day of mine in overstated and exaggerated language. I've said this many times before I guess, but I truly miss my blog at times when I stay apart from it. My blogging frequency still depends a lot on my state of mind, and perhaps that's why it'll never grow to prominence quite the way I'd hoped. Regardless, I guess it makes my blog no less significant in my mind.

Quick Update : As S3 university exams near, the tension is growing. I feel surprisingly relaxed, though I fear that may be due to a slight case of overconfidence. To be completely honest, exams don't seem to bring about the same emotions in me as before. Yes, to some extent, stress is inevitable, but it no longer seems to have the same gravity. I'm not too worried about this development, because I feel I'm finally living by my own philosophy that exams are neither the be-all nor end-all of life. Though this country may promote them as so, they never should be. Exams in India, as is too commonly known to be repeated or justified in detail, test only one's bookish knowledge. One's performance in them depends on one's memory and one's luck as much or if not more than one's understanding of the subject. Yes, these grades are a criterion for judgement, yet, I'd rather obtain average mark with at least a minimal understanding of what I learn than merely work beyond my limits to acquire a grade that reflects nothing of what I've understood!

My mother often says that as I've grown up, I've developed a tendency to accept mediocrity. That I'm too easily satisfied, or too easily discouraged to perform better. My view is slightly different though. I feel that as I've grown, I've learnt to appreciate my effort more than the eventual result it achieves. We may believe in the primacy of effort and desire or will above the end result ; we may pretend that participation is more important than winning, but very few of us believe it in our own hearts. Please note that this doesn't mean one should appear for an exam with little or no preparation just for the sake of writing it. Instead, what I practice is to do my best to prepare for any exam, as well as I believe I can, and leave the end result to God. If I'm satisfied with the work I've put in before any exam, why should the end result make a difference? It sounds very much like a loser's attitude, or a crutch to fall back on, and perhaps I would've agreed with you a few years ago, but now I CAN'T see it any other way! Perhaps I may stutter here or there, but in all probability, if personal satisfaction is the goal I achieve prior to every exam, then the marks would logically follow in queue. I know it seems arrogant that I reject my mother's assessment and design my own philosophy to justify not re-adjusting my habits/lifestyle, but it's not something I believe for convenience as much as a basis for my own life. I see every opportunity ahead of me,academic or extra-curricular, with enthusiasm, regardless of whether or not it fits into my scheme of things or my mental image of myself. If the effort remains unwavering, results can never be far away.

That being said, I must admit I have been far more lazy in my approach to these exams than I can afford. Buckling down and working my socks is I guess the only option ahead of me. My exams shall carry on from the 18th of November to the 1st of December, so I suppose a small delay is expected till my next update. This domain just feels like home again!

Until the exam tide weakens and passes on..........I bid adieu!

A Commitment to Myself

I come to this domain once again with a heavy heart and a flurry of thoughts crossing my mind with every passing second. I realize now that more often than not, confusion, anxiety or grief prove the driving force for me to unleash myself upon this website, in the vain hope that merely writing about my problems and hurts shall make them go away. In all honesty. though the burden does lighten, no issue can so easily be resolved. If that were indeed the case, life would never be quite as challenging.

I write once again of a personal problem. Not usually the kind I discuss publicly, since it is immensely personal, but I feel I must, else this cloud of depression shall never lift from above me. The true purpose of this post shall hopefully be clear by the end of it.

The past often tends to trick us. Boyhood memories and long-standing friendships often help us to paint far rosier pictures of our future than that which destiny has drawn out for us. The world is not as simple as it appears, and perhaps that is why I feel disillusioned to a certain extent with the one I face today.

A vital connection from the past has begun to fade away. The strongest bonds of friendship and more are formed probably when we ourselves are too young and naive to give in to our all-too-human nature of lies, manipulation and deceipt. There is no conception of profit or loss, no priority to the end over the means. This is exactly why seeing this particular relationship fade away so suddenly and abruptly has shaken me. During my final year in school, it had counted among the handful of connections that I felt could and would probably last a lifetime. It is to these people who I accord a special status in my life : they are the ones I credit for having given me my dearest memories, or for having helped make me a better person. These are not people you meet every other day. Knowing just one is a gift, and any more a blessing! Losing them, no matter how quick or slow, is the worst curse one can endure! Transitioning from a naive teen to a responsible adult can often bring out the worst in men. But it's these link that help them maintain their innocence while growing into the roles they are expected to fill!

To this day, I have not regretted a single friendship I've made. I've looked back and wished that I'd been closer to some, but never wished to part from any. I feel I have this naive tendency to observe the best in someone much more easily than the bad, which is why some of the decisions and judgements I've made about others may perhaps have been unbalanced. Yet, I've been fortunate not to have had to question any of these judgements until now. The manner in which this particular connection withered away bears ominously in my mind. It ravages my self-esteem, devalues the worth of my friendship to others in my mind, and creates doubts about my own beliefs and attitude to life that I no longer wish to entertain. I've made every single attempt possible to revive it. Everything I thought I could and should've done, I did. Though I'd felt that we'd already borne the brunt of our troubles in a brief period during my school years and yet sailed through unscathed, perhaps that was my misconception! Perhaps our connection was never strong enough to make it through......Having worked so hard to revive it the first time, and having met with what I thought was success, could I perhaps have ignored the tell-tale signs that indicated quite the opposite? I know I've made mistakes in the past, but could this also be one of them? These thoughts are excruciatingly complex and far too uncomforting to ponder over. It makes me wonder if any other of my dearest friendships were based on lies I could not discern.......leading to a feeling of unwantedness and rejection that leaves me hollow!

Here lies the true reason behind this post. It is not meant to be very specific or a tabloid-like expose in nature. The person in question may never read this post, and I won't be advertising about it! After several attempts, I have, at last, given up hope! The door to this relationship has been locked and sealed away for now(perhaps though, not permanently), its memories still vivid in my head, but no longer as rosy as they once had been! This post is a commitment to myself : that whenever I feel the urge to break down those walls I've built for myself in this one case, I look back and realise the hurt I'd once felt! Even though doing so would defy every principle I've lived by, it is what I must do to move on. A commitment to myself is far harder to live up to than one made to others, for it requires great discipline and belief in one's own decisions! I cannot afford to reach out and build new bridges where the terrain will perhaps never be favourable to it. I refuse to spend my waking moments in such thoughts which question my very self-esteem, and draw tears when there should be none! I cannot let it alter my life or change the beliefs by which I've led it.....which it may if given the chance to permeate further into my mind! I will always see the good in people before the bad, yearn to be in everyone's good books, look for someone to whom I can bare my soul! I have always yearned to stay consistent to who I am even as the years go by : but even though I shall never regret any of the decisions I've made, my heart is too weary to continue to foster unrealistic ambitions about oft-strained connections. While some bonds shall remain true, others shall cruelly fade into dust. To expect any more of life would be insanity!

Jack of All Trades, Master of One?

After several months of hibernation, the blogger in me has awoken again. A lazy Sunday morning is perhaps the best time I can get to let my thoughts wander the breadth of the universe with reckless abandon. It's been a year of several ups and downs for me personally. A time to reflect on the decisions I've made so far, and the choices I still face before me. To some extent, I suspect this is as much a part of embracing adulthood as the act of celebrating your 19th birthday, signifying that your teen years are now behind you.

On reflection, a lot of the decisions I've made so far seem to have been thought out, and yet, predictable. My life seems to have been shaped by a frightening sense of "destiny". Personally, I have always ridiculed that very concept, for I don't believe that anyone's future is set in stone. Only cowards too weak to realize the power and responsibilities they possess would hide behind such pretexts for comfort. Every once in a while I tend to drift off into this chain of thought that begs the question, " Why am I here? Is this really where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do? Does my true future lie elsewhere?". Often I can answer none of these irritatingly vague questions, but that still doesn't mean they disappear!

Perhaps the source of this frustration tends from the fact that my 1st year of college, at least in professional terms, has been a complete waste of precious time. Precious little value has been added to my yet-to-be-sripted resume inspite of the several months of long, taxing classes.

Could I perhaps have made a mistake in joining the Science stream in the first place? Would Humanities and a subsequent degree in mass communication and PG in journalism have been the way to go? Primarily, besides my dual interest in Science and literature, the lure of CHOICE drew me to Science. My options would be far greater post a B. Tech degree, than say a B.A. I could go for an M.Tech/MS if my field truly evoked the best of my intellect, and also choose to defect to PG in Journo, or in the worst-case scenario, to an MBA. This diversity helped make my decision a lot easier. Once into the Science stream, choosing my preferred B.Tech degree was never going to be a hard task, simply because I possessed neither the aptitude, nor the interest, to pursue anything besides Comp Sci. Yet, the mind keeps whirring and whirring like an endless freight train. My all-too-wise-from-personal-experience brother had warned me about the inadequacy of syllabus, but the sheer irrelevance of what I studied in comparison to what I hoped to study in the 1st year caught me off guard I suppose!

Though the reasons for my decisions may be well-founded even in my own eyes, the irony that I've steered clear of roads less travelled seems to drive into me like a sharp needle! I always imagined myself to be independent-thinking and stubbornly unmovable about my vision for my own future. But could it be that for like so many before me, this very spirit of individuality has been diluted by the realities of life, and a crisis of self-confidence? Have I chosen the safer path out of fear or out of conviction?

To an outsider, it may perhaps seem obvious that I've "sold out" to life, but I remain unconvinced. Perhaps after my 2nd year of college draws to a close, I shall understand precisely why I chose the path that I did. Everyone wishes to stand out of a crowd, to be different, to excel and to pioneer, but perhaps my future may not truly lie there. Perhaps my future lies exactly where I'd seen it when I'd set out to finally make my own decisions. Not as the Air Force pilot, TV news anchor, or Astronomer that I'd aspired to become a decade ago, but more along the line I've followed thus far! For a person with varied interests, a career need not be the summation of all his interests : the rest may remain as hobbies evoking equal passion. As the title of this post indicates, perhaps that is where my "destiny" truly lies! I still cannot guarantee what this future may seem like 3-4 years down the line, but that's for God to know, and a mystery for me to unravel with patience, sincerity and above all, an unwavering sense of self-belief.

A Grand Spectacle

Technopreneur 2009 was a momentous occasion, and one of the first true instances where my chest swelled with pride at being an MECian. From its conception, to its planning, to its final execution, the event was a mammoth success. The day was an eventful one. A very lively and active presentation on technology, in particular wireless technology, and its future role in expanding our horizons was delivered by Mr. Anand Parthasarthy. Being the first speaker of the day, his engaging talk was a promising start to what would prove to be a day filled with eye-opening exchanges. Mr. Parthasarthy was then replaced on the dias by Mr. Manoj Das, editor of the Indian Express, Kochi edition, who spoke on the Freedom of the Media, and its role in shaping democracy in the twenty-first century. Given the topic, the chance to hear Mr. Das' views on the subject was priceless, but what was even more engaging was the question-answer round that followed. With the subject being of such mass appeal, the audience came alive, asking questions which arose from a sound understanding of current issues. Certain questions were so perfectly framed, that even Mr. Das had trouble answering them. One such question, notably, was asked by an ex-MECian, regarding the leanings of most printhouses today towards any one particular political party or ideology inspite of their claims of providing fair and unbiased reports of daily occurings around the world! The exchange proved to be healthy and extremely thought-provoking, and the smiles of the organizing team showed that visions of an unbelievably succesful event had begun to possess their minds barely a few hours into it.

Following these active discussions, Mr. Kalol Borah, an entrepreneur himself, spoke about Entrepreneurship in India, its Scope and the keys to becoming a successful entrepreneur. Unlike most of the audience, I had attended a similar seminar(albeit an exasperating 4-HOUR LONG ONE) at Excel 09, held by Tej Arora of Smartcrowds fame. As most of the content between these two seminars seemed identical to me, my interest level waned, and the general enthusiasm of the crowd too, seemed to dip. Although several of my fellow classmates and all appreciated his talk and stated that he appeared very knowledgeable and wise during the 30-odd minutes that he spoke, I could hardly notice as my mind was not there. Following Mr. Borah, the star of the event and the most anticipated speaker of the day, Mr. Sarath Babu, took the dias. The audience welcomed him with thunderous applause, and a unanimous standing ovation, the first of its kind of the day, signifying that they too, recognized the calibre of the man who was about to speak before them. Recalling his journey from selling home-made idlis on the streets of Chennai to IIM-A and to establishing Foodking, and his recent foray into politics, he captured the audience's imagination. His English was rusty, indicative of the background from which he'd struggled to the top, but it only endeared him more to the audience. His awe-inspiring determination and will to succeed, along with his good natured smile won him more than 1200 fans within 10 minutes of his 40-min lecture. He spoke of the challenges he faced during his school life, his risky dance with death as a teen, his embarassment at his poverty when he entered the halls of IIM-A, and a variety of other life experiences which spoke volumes about the depth of his character. The audience interaction round, more than just a simple question and answer round, turned into an expression of collective admiration, as several students and teachers alike raised their hands not only to clarify doubts, but to express gratitude to Mr.Babu for gracing the occasion and achieving in 40 mins the impact that the organisers had hoped to gain at the end of the entire day!

The buffet lunch that followed was well worth the wait. There were ample servings of chicken, mutton, beef, fish, veg curries, fried rice and rotis to go around. For many of those who had come from other colleges to this event, the discount buffet had been the major attraction. Even if the speakers had failed to deliver, a good lunch would have still sent most home with no regrets. Thankfully, the cooks of the Gokulam Park Hotel didn't disappoint. It was a sumptuous feast and I ate till my stomach threatened to burst at it seams, and then gobbled down 2-3 helpings of vanilla ice-cream for good measure before returning to the seminar hall. The post-lunch session featured a debate on Youth Politics. Though Mr. Ritabrata Banerjee, a prominent SFI leader failed to arrive, there were other capable speakers to fill his place. The debate was informative, and overall nicely done, but the rebuttal session in which the crowd got into the act turned into a straight out dog-fight between Ms. Deepti Mary Varghese, a reputed Youth Congress leader, and SFI supporters and politically aware youth among the audience. The battle was intense, and at times I felt great pity for Ms. Deepti, for the absence of Mr. Banerjee had left her the lone representative of a political party on the dias, with students' contempt of the political class clearly evident. It was also amusing to an extent, but there were a few good intellectual questions asked among the unnecessary heckling from ideologically motivated members of the audience.

The evening was closed out by a brief summary of the Chandrayaan Mission by Dr. K. Radhakrishnan, Director of the VSSC. Under most circumstances, this lecture would have been among the greatest crowd-pullers, and would certainly have received top billing in my book. Disappointingly though, Dr. Radhakrishnan proved to be not quite as eloquent as his counterparts, and the lecture became a rather tedious, prolonged affair that failed to grab the attention of any section of the audience. The lecture was too detailed, and the presentation too dry to merit any interest or audience response. Of course, the fact that most of us had over-eaten and were now sitting in plus padded chairs in an air conditioned hall did nothing to help stifle the yawns. While some declared their boredom openly by leaning back and dozing off, others like me tried to distract ourselves with a bit of conversation or a text message : anything, essentially, to avoid nodding off which would perhaps be insultin to the speaker.

With the final lecture of the day having been given, Technopreneur 2009 drew to a close. After a vote of thanks acknowledging the efforts of everyone involved in the planning and execution of the event, the audience dispersed, some rushing to railway stations and buses to make their way home before nightfall, and others like us, back home, to reflect on what was a true spectacle, and to speculate about the headaches we shall encounter when Technopreneur 2010 comes around!