Quick Update : As S3 university exams near, the tension is growing. I feel surprisingly relaxed, though I fear that may be due to a slight case of overconfidence. To be completely honest, exams don't seem to bring about the same emotions in me as before. Yes, to some extent, stress is inevitable, but it no longer seems to have the same gravity. I'm not too worried about this development, because I feel I'm finally living by my own philosophy that exams are neither the be-all nor end-all of life. Though this country may promote them as so, they never should be. Exams in India, as is too commonly known to be repeated or justified in detail, test only one's bookish knowledge. One's performance in them depends on one's memory and one's luck as much or if not more than one's understanding of the subject. Yes, these grades are a criterion for judgement, yet, I'd rather obtain average mark with at least a minimal understanding of what I learn than merely work beyond my limits to acquire a grade that reflects nothing of what I've understood!
My mother often says that as I've grown up, I've developed a tendency to accept mediocrity. That I'm too easily satisfied, or too easily discouraged to perform better. My view is slightly different though. I feel that as I've grown, I've learnt to appreciate my effort more than the eventual result it achieves. We may believe in the primacy of effort and desire or will above the end result ; we may pretend that participation is more important than winning, but very few of us believe it in our own hearts. Please note that this doesn't mean one should appear for an exam with little or no preparation just for the sake of writing it. Instead, what I practice is to do my best to prepare for any exam, as well as I believe I can, and leave the end result to God. If I'm satisfied with the work I've put in before any exam, why should the end result make a difference? It sounds very much like a loser's attitude, or a crutch to fall back on, and perhaps I would've agreed with you a few years ago, but now I CAN'T see it any other way! Perhaps I may stutter here or there, but in all probability, if personal satisfaction is the goal I achieve prior to every exam, then the marks would logically follow in queue. I know it seems arrogant that I reject my mother's assessment and design my own philosophy to justify not re-adjusting my habits/lifestyle, but it's not something I believe for convenience as much as a basis for my own life. I see every opportunity ahead of me,academic or extra-curricular, with enthusiasm, regardless of whether or not it fits into my scheme of things or my mental image of myself. If the effort remains unwavering, results can never be far away.
That being said, I must admit I have been far more lazy in my approach to these exams than I can afford. Buckling down and working my socks is I guess the only option ahead of me. My exams shall carry on from the 18th of November to the 1st of December, so I suppose a small delay is expected till my next update. This domain just feels like home again!
Until the exam tide weakens and passes on..........I bid adieu!
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