Bidding Adieu

There are only so many words you can reserve for an essay summarizing the last 7 years of your life. I realize that much of the material may sound repetitive : fragments of it having been stated at one time or the other during my blogging foray. Several parts of it might seem cliche, predictable,unconvincing, and a variety of other things that are unintentional on my part. I have never spoken about anything in this blog that I haven't truly felt, experienced or believed in, though I do admit hiding certain details surrounding my life in the interest of those who help shape it!

By nature, I am an emotional person. Though I may try to project the opposite image at times, I am, deep at my core, incredibly sensitive. I'm proud of who I am : I may be flawed, but I accept them...for the very qualities which seem flaws to some, may seem attractive to others! Judgement is only absolute when handed out by the Creator!

I arrived in STCS a haughty, self-obsessed, innocent, and highly immature geek. Some may still argue that I'm a geek, and I wouldn't deny it either. I was slightly introvert, and always had a hard time making friends anew. The language barrier I faced when I returned to the place of my birth didn't help. I bore the brunt of many a joke, and that only worsened my problems. Inspite of my flaws, I made a fair few friends. Among them were Alok, Prithvin,Aditya, Rahul, Ron and others. They made me feel at home in a land where I still felt I didn't belong. In 8th Std, I met Akram, and I'm glad to say we've been thick friends ever since. It's not always been a smooth ride between us, we've had arguments, we both have habits that irritate the other, we've both given the other our share of bad advice...but still, as a person, I know he has more integrity than most, even if he has flaws. I hope we remain friends for more than these past 5 years. In the 9th and 10th, when I finally began to acclimatize to the environment around me, I made more friends. While the bonds of the past remained strong, I formed new, nascent bonds of friendship with others...Sidharth, Nandu, Aravind, Nashad, and several others. But to be honest, none of these became truly strong until my final two years in school. As tuition-mates as well as classmates, the walls began to break away, and these friendships solidified with time. New friendships arose where there had been none. Most notably, I managed to shred my introvert nature to an extent, befriending girls who I began to see in a new light only because I had never wanted to in the past.

I speak of these friendships not because they are a testament to my likeability. I speak of them because they go a long way to show that no wall, no matter how intimidating, is impregnable! Inhibitions had always existed on both sides when each of these relationships had begun, but by crossing our own comfort zones, they dissolved away. My friends have taught me that the only walls blocking my path are the ones I create for myself....that if I'm willing to shed my inhibitions and let them, friends shall be found in any corner of the world I desire! I've learnt to live my life in such a way that I need never look back upon my past with regret. These bonds are far stronger than any I've made in my previous schools, and the hesitation I feel the day before I leave for college is the truest indication. The reality sinks in that I cannot yearn for what I can no longer have.....there will be periods where these bonds will be strained due to the lack of contact....the weakest will disappear entirely....and hopefully, a few will survive. Prayers can only take you so far, but mine will remain with all of them.....To you few, I tip my hat in gratitude for 7 years of memories!

Stand by me even when our worlds seem far apart............

"Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost"

The Day of Reckoning

31/08/08 has finally passed : My destination has been ascertained. Having missed out on a Comp Sc. & Engg. seat in College of Engg, Trivandrum by about 110 ranks, which, in my case is the equivalent of 3-4 correct answers, I must satisfy myself with what I've expected ever since my NIT dreams faded into oblivion following the rule changes. It's easy to complain that in view of new reservation for OBCs, NIT admission rule changes and the like being introduced for the first time in my very year, I've been royally screwed : But, in all fairness, that would be too lenient! My labour over the past 2 years has borne fruit, in truth, slightly dissapointingly, yet, hardly less than I deserved!

I do write this with a heavy heart, because I've seen the happiness that this 2nd allotment has brought all around me, with a majority of my friends attaining seats better than they hoped or expected! I know it's sinful to feel sorrow over others' joy, I know, but as much as I wish to deny it, there is a trace of envy in my heart. Though I may try forever to rid myself of them, I shall forever remain a slave to the flaws which make me all so human! In my heart of hearts, I will always have feelings which I wish not to have, but cannot control! I do wish my friends all the joy and happiness in the world, and all the success that they so richly deserve : there isn't, and never will be, any ill-will.......I just wish I had done enough to join them!

With that said, this is the start of a new journey, a new beginning! In losing the home field advantage and venturing forth into a new city, to a college I still don't know too well, I've taken a risk.....and a big one at that. But my path is chosen, my destination yet unknown, but the mini-voyages I must undertake within this journey are clear! I'd be lying if I said that I bear no fear in my heart, no apprehensions, no second thoughts......these are obstacles I've faced with regard to every decision I've made in my life thus far. Being a hesitant decision-maker, these tasks have never been simple or straight-forward, especially when the consequences may prove so grave to the life I lead.

Such a venture can never prove successful unless every vision of mine is painted in bright shades of optimism. To an extent, I will have to leave behind the past including the friends I've made along the way. Dealing with home-sickness is an arduous task, so to miss my friends the way I do at the moment would be painful, and would distract me from my very purpose of moving to Ernakulam. Though these few who I hold dear will remain at the back of my mind, I can't truly afford to centre my world around them anymore. Let's just hope that months or years down the line when we meet again, not too much would've changed within us to impede our conversation then! I'll have to build friendships to fill that temporary void that will develop, a situation I haven't faced for the last 7 years! One part of my life is over, and now, just as at the very beginning, I'm dependent on HIM for comfort, solace, and strength! May He guide me as he pleases, softening my falls and cradling me in His arms at my time of need, supporting me gently as I look to rise to greater heights!

 

The Road Ahead

The first year of college beckons, but unfortunately, my ability to fulfill my online commitments is under grave doubt! The question arises regarding the fate of this humble blog. Rest assured, though my updation may perhaps become more irregular, I shall undoubtedly strive to keep one and all posted on every new development! I might not have the largest reader base in the world, but I still have a debt to the few friends who care enough to visit here! Stick with me through the thick and the thin, for I promise that I'll always be a call away! My next post will probably be on the 31st, or possibly on the 1st.....a farewell message to one and all who've influenced my life oer the past seven years! Future updates, as is the case with everything else, depend upon the grace of God!

ROCK ON!

To begin with, sincere apologies for the brief period of inactivity that this blog has suffered for the past 2 or 3 weeks! I've found myself addicted to an intoxicating dose of boredom and self-pity! The final few days in Trivandrum have become unbearable, and the countdown draws not only the fear of separation, but also the anticipation of freedom! The feeling is both stifling and liberating all at once! Needless to say, I've been passing through this "gunk" (guy funk) for several days now, and it's pretty much reached saturation point! The call of life to move on cannot be ignored for long.

It's been a wonderful seven years in Trivandrum, and given the choice, I probably would choose not to change any of the decisions I've made over this period, the friends I've made, and the experiences I've had! I can't stay morose for long, else I'll end up sacrificing my sanity. In my bid to reach out of the bottomless pit of depression that I've dug for myself, I've returned to my one true love.....Music! These holidays have been a torture for multiple reasons, some of which I choose not to discuss, and have ebbed away at my self-confidence! I've felt trapped, suffocated like never before, with the urge to get away deepening every day! Thankfully, respite is only a few days away, my departure from Trivandrum due in barely 3 days! I'm determined not to lead a single one of those days wallowing in self-pity! The time left behind is precious, currency which should never be under-valued. 

The track "Lambi Judaii" from the movie Jannat has grown on me steadily! It's simple vocals, and thoughtful lyrics are a big draw! Songs from the movie "Rock On" are also on my playlist at the moment, not because Farhan Akhtar's vocal skills are anything special, but because of their simplicity and upbeat nature!........I'm hooked, relying on the same fortress of solitude that has kept me safe in trying times!...May the music flow on, just as the juggernaught of life rolls on.......ROCK ON!

Golden Eye

After 2 Olympic disappointments, Abhinav Bindra finally came through with a historic Olympic gold medal for India, its first ever in individual competition at the Olympic stage. There isn't much I can add that most of you by now would've already heard as each television channel salivates over the TRPs to be gained from this achievement! However, to let this event go unnoticed and unadressed would be criminal. Years of toil and struggle have paid off. The country has a new sporting idol, a child prodigy who attended his first Olympic Games at the age of 17 in Sydney. He remained calm under great pressure, and exceeded the expectations of an undeserving nation. He's made us proud and gifted us with a great honour inspite of the several hurdles we've thrown in his and other Olympians' paths.

It filled my heart with great joy to witness the last shot of the final live on Doordarshan. Tied with the Finn shooter Hakkinen before the final shot, the distractions and fears he faced must have been great. But the very fact that he shot 10.8, the highest by any shooter in the final, in his last attempt, proves his mettle and temperament. The national anthem and the hoisting of the flag truly caused my chest to expand with pride and joy. There is little more I can say, other than THANK YOU.......Thank you Abhinav, for giving every Indian a reason to celebrate, for reminding us the strength of will-power, for reminding us of how much further our Olympians can go with greater support, and for making the 15th of August that much more special. You deserve a parade in your honour around New Delhi on your return! Kudos, and may God bless you!